100 Love Letters I'll Never Send (... answers didn’t come immediately because I had lived a most of my life having negative thoughts.)(c) 1994, 2017

I remember ever so fondly our foreheads together. You would look in my eyes. I was so grateful to have someone to want me. I wonder if you were planting something in my psyche. Maybe that’s why for once I may be able to treat a woman right at this point in my life. 

“I CAN TREAT A WOMAN RIGHT. I can be loved. I am an attractive person. I am loved and can love. I welcome abundance into my life.” -Yea, I’d repeat those positive affirmations that my first therapist told me to say over and over again. But I wanted answers immediately. Answers of how my life could be good. Of course the answers didn’t come immediately because I had lived a most of my life having negative thoughts. Waiting, hoping for anyone, anything to take notice of me. Only when I acted less than others would others give me attention.-or so I thought. I so desperately wanting acceptance that I would allow others to use me.

You made me feel better about myself. Inevitably it was my fate to fail you because I didn’t love myself. “How could I love you as you deserved?” I read the verse I wrote for you 


“Don’t Lean On Me Or You’ll Fall. But If You Fall Fall Into My Arms And I Will Carry You.”


 I know now. Is there an indescribable power in ‘capturing now?’ Is the true power sometimes in doing without thinking at all? Spent most of my life wondering why while making up challenges that only existed in my irrational thoughts. The drugs we did seemed to make it better for a while. I look at the early writings. I had such a joy in discovering things I had never thought about before.


I remember your Mom was moving. Was going to take you. I wanted you. Wanted you to be with me. Figured I could take care of you. Build us a life together.
Figured Love Would Find A Way.-

Did the tolerance for drugs grew while our tolerance for each other did not?

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