100 Love Letters I'll Never Send (Psychic Warfare "Love is hate Hate is love," part 2 (C) 2003, 2017

I came back to the house where I spent heartbroken days. Held on to you for too long. Stayed drunk and high for years. While going through old things I wrote. I found the hand written transcript for a book I wrote when I first got sober 2to1. I wrote parts of us being engaged in psychic warfare and scribed it fiction. Below are writings of this.

Specifically, memories triggered by song connect us by the speed of thought. We had emotional angst experiences at the same time. Your mother set you up with a new man. She was concerned. While dating him you remember a time when you said something to me and...     

“Come sail away, come sail away with me.”

            “What baby?”

            Kathy is singing one of her favorite songs. A song by Styx. Her mother is totally bewildered by her actions. Most of the time it’s like her daughter can turn her emotions off and on at will. Less than a minute ago she was whining, now she is singing joyfully. 
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Hundreds of miles away: 

            A song comes to my mind.(Come Sail Away With Me-Styx)...Damn I treated her like shit. A more pleasant time comes- One where we were making love in the bedroom. That song was playing on the radio an’ boy oh boy she just went wild- “Cause I’ve got to be free.”… “on board I’m the captain..” “To carry on…”

The moans, groans, and joyful laughter; followed by the “I love you” promises that seemed and felt like we would be together forever for an eternity. Fortunately reality sets in:  my pessimistic reality tells me that that was a long time ago. It’s all just a dream-a fantasy of happiness I will never have.

“Live happy forever, so the story goes-but somehow we missed out on the pot of gold.” That verse runs thru’ my head over and over again=God I miss you-we were so happy.

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Hundreds of miles away (possessed by the speed of thought)

Kay's mother has set her daughter on a date in hopes that her daughter will be free of him.

“A bud light, please.” Her mother said that her ex was a bad alcoholic and that bit wouldn’t be a good idea for him to drink. But damn, she was beginning to stress him so. He could get away with just a couple of brewsky’s as long as he drank with his meal. Why does she continue to talk about her loser ex-boyfriend? She continues, “There was one time I cast a spell on him.” “Oh boy.” He sighs.

“I told him just to trust me and everything would be alright. Told him to trust in our love.” She starts to form a tear in her eye.

“Why do I bother?” he asks himself. “Well, I don’t have girls breaking down my door, and besides she does kiss pretty good. But where is she at in her head?

At the same time he recieves the painful memory she sent him by the Speed Of Thought: 

All she did was say one sentence over and over again. Or was it one word?

Maybe if I could remember that word or sentence my life would be different now. Oh this is ridiculous-somehow the snake triggered something in my subconscious mind. That bitch.

            Every now and then that thin line referred to as dividing love and hate intercept each other on the wavelength: traveling at the speed of thought. Well to put it simple: it’s just an acid flashback-

                                    We were in the car parked at the river bank. I was upset. Thought that she had cheated on me. Always thought that she was cheating on me. So I had to be around her all the time to make sure that she wasn’t cheating on me.

            For a few minutes all we did was binge off of drugs and mooch off of her relatives. Anyway, we were really high. We had driven during the first couple of hours. During those first couple of hours your mind is speeding at a thousand miles per hour.  By the time we parked the car I was seeing skulls and crossbones in the pupils of her eyes. “Where were you that night?” I asked her.

“I was just out with some friends of mine.”

“Don’t you love me any more?”

“Baby that was a month ago. Why can’t you let that go?”

“Are you going to kill me?”

“What?” she giggled. She was shocked by my questions. Didn’t know where I was coming from. But I couldn’t see that back then. All I could see were the skulls in her eyes opening their jaws and laughing at me. “You’re giving me a bad trip. I got to get away from you.”

            She got out of the car and ran to the water. She left me, alone in her car listening to her cassette tape playing 4 Non Blonds “What’s going on?” a grey mist was coming from the water. It seemed to be engulfing everything around me. Had to run to her-I was scared and I knew she could make it right. “Baby I didn’t mean…please come back.”

            I wondered around until I slipped and fell in the sand. Thought I was sinkin’ in quicksand I screamed and pleaded,

            “Baby it’s okay I still love you. I just had to get away from you for a while.”

            It wasn’t quicksand, all it was was shallow salt water of the beach. I was hallucinating. But I felt a hundred percent better once she had her arms wrapped around me.

            Then we started talkin’ the hallucinogenic romance guided soul mate jive. ‘I was lost until you came into my life-Lost in the dark fog of loneliness.’ We look up at the stars and try to find the formed constellations. Clouds run across the neon glowing moon. A truly magnificent silhouette it added. I cast my eyes on the water an’ saw something zigging across the surface-A snake-“Baby, let’s go.” I pleaded. She must have realized that I was having another hallucination. “Trust in our love. We’ll be okay. Just trust in me.” She held me tighter. I close my eyes for a few seconds, open them and I peered upon the water again. It was calm. “Let’s go baby, I wanna’ travel around.” I didn’t want the snake to return. Once we were back inside the car; it was like we had never left: that same song was playing on the cassette deck What’s going On? And we started a heated argument again. Yet now she was different. She had arrogance in her voice. Saying something with a guilty grin that I couldn’t comprehend, “What?” “Nothing.”

The grey midst engulfed us again. Then… the words that came out of her mouth almost sounded almost like another language. Followed with the curs’ed phrase again: “Trust in our love.” “Oh my God.” That’s when it got really bad, really bad for me. I felt something going up my pant leg. Immediately I checked frantically; nothing was there. Yet to my horror, once I leaned over in the car I saw snakes. Too many to count, all around my feet. “MY GOD, NO.” I started crying. “Baby, baby, baby.” She placed her hands on my cheeks… “It’s not real. It is all in your head.” She whispered and then the snakes left.

 At the same time :

Kathy’s blind date

“That bastard.”…all the way through the salad and a few bites of the Cordon Blue-she was getting all emotional and red faced. She was acting out to the fullest degree. An’ he nodded every few seconds, “uh, huh, yea. Wow.” Why was he here? Damn, she looked

Good, but she was completely nuts. She seemed to be far from over with her story….. “wish, i wish, i wish..” Her eyes were filling with tears. It was evident that she couldn’t finish her sentence the way she wanted to. She wanted to wish him death, or misery. However she just couldn’t do it, even more so, she couldn’t let go. An’ she wouldn’t let him go. “How’s your steak, Kate?” That’s right, distract her. Her whole tone changed almost instantly, an’ she let a smirk come out. Her eyes brightened up and she peered hopefully into his eyes. He picked up on the cue. “You know Kate,” he gulped down another sip of his Budweiser; then set the bottle down calmly. He slowly extended his arm across the table. “you don’t have to feel like that anymore.” She took his hand. With his left hand he gently wiped the fallen tears from her cheeks.