Can a woman make a man lose his mind (excerpt ending)
When we get back to Mom’s house, they were all gone. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect opportunity. –and uh, she unleashed herself with a vigor I ain’t never seen outta’ her before. Ripping the shirt off of me. Unleashes me in the mode. Animalistic’ly biting her neck, sliding my hand up her shirt. Rip off her bra’ and shirt. “TAKE ME TAKE ME. NOW!”
“I’ll take you there, baby.”
I deduce that we had too much energy pent up-TILL NOW! That’s why WE WERE ARGUING. THAT’S WHY I WAS HAVING TORTURING EMOTIONS.
THOUGHT-
FOR THAT PAUSE IN ETERNITY-
WE WERE
ONE.
WHAT WENT WRONG:
It’s dark-there are gaps in the railroad wood tracks. I fear gaps that are wide enough to catch a broken ankle. “DAMN’T!” Used to not be afraid to walk into dark places cuzz’ I felt at one with the community here. It’s her FAULT! THAT I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. “I KNEW YOU’D DO THIS TO US!” I told you. YOU YOU YOU WOULDN’T FIND LOVE. “BUT YOU WOULD NOT LISTEN! DAMN’T!” I’m talking to myself out loud again.-ain’t been like this since that Last ‘I’ll love you forever, but don’t ever get in touch with me again’. In her words it was “YOU WERE NOTHING WHEN I MET YOU. I’M TOO GOOD FOR YOU. YOU’RE A PIECE OF WHITE TRASH!”
The city’s light pollution leaves an inner dome illusion with the moon’s witch crescent winking at me. “THANKS GOD!”-all those damn prayers didn’t do me a bit of good. The moon’s winking, yea-Tell God Your Plans And Watch Him Laugh.
CRY. CRY. CRY.-so uh, I wail like a child not getting his way. Tears, like rain.
Tears-I feel filling the aged cracks in my face. Fell to my knees haphazardly, slipping on the gaps of the railroad bridge. God, My Loh’Rd, transcends in a phrase in my mind.
“ALL SHALL KNEIL BEFORE THE LORD.”
“Gee, Thanx God!”
Fall to my belly on the hard, unforgiving railroad. Knocks my breath out violently. Am I going to die? I’m a fat loser. What the hell happened.
Just CRY
Empty YOUR MIND
LET HER GO-
LET
HER
GO…
Have your moment. And when you get up again to walk. Keep your stride. Don’t let nuthin’ nuthin’ break your stride.
And thus, for the next few moments my emotional bender exhaust to a Black Out. Until, I heard my tear drops hit the waters of the Sun Flower River
Oh sweet serenity.
Decipherable.
Then I hear hood talk, “Yea, he’s a tourist. He’s drunk. Probly’ loaded.”
“Yea, stupid white boy.”
“Let’s get em’.”
Sounds like there’s just two of em’. Might be more. Seriously, doubt it.
I can, one, get up, turn around, walk out the way I came. Or, two, I can go forward risking injury, or death. This all seems to embody this emotional pain that I’ve subjected myself to.
Well, would going forward into danger of them robbing me be like committing suicide? Because I am aware of the danger and would rather die than live with out her. Think I’ll do choice three. Stay here and wait until they go away. Surely, no robber would come out here cuzz’ of the danger of falling of the bridge.
Yea, it’s safe to stay in the middle. Stay inside cuzz’ if you go outside something will get you. Don’t walk on the street, you’ll get hit by a car. Or, you might get robbed, killed, or both. Don’t go on that airplane, you’ll get killed by a bomb. Don’t fall in love, you’ll only get heart broken. Don’t trust anyone, you’ll get betrayed. Don’t take a chance on living, you’ll only die.
LET’S DO THIS.
“Let’s do this.” Push myself up. Time to face my fears. I take out my credit card. Break it into pieces and throw it into the river. I walk slowly. Pick up the pace. I run into the area where my attackers are yelling. Saw police lights, ten feet way, in the Ground Zero Blues Club parking lot. Three police cars. I don’t stop running till I get to the parking lot. Huffing and puffing. Looked behind me. The two attackers were now walking down the railroad tracks. I leaned hard against the wall.
2:35 AM:
It’s half past the Witching Hour. Some say it is from three to four am. Guess, it depends on the time zone you’re in.
Just like me to engage defense mechanisms with myself to escape the emotions. WHAT’S REALLY BOTHERING ME. This end of something. SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING, MY WHOLE LIFE. Damn, I am so pathetic. I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM God, My Loh’RD, seeking you through my thoughts. Through my studies.
Shouldah’ BROKE IT OFF WITH HER LONG TIME AGO. CUZZ’ I compromised what I established myself “to be”. TO BE. So I must be doomed to always be in failed relationships.
Quit putting THIS OFF. Gather all the things round’ here that remind me of her. Put em’ in the closet. Got the crappy pop music c.d.s, the clothes, silly photos, love notes sent, and love notes not sent.
Open up the closet. Ya’ know the one that you store ex’s stuff in. The ex you can’t let go of. Damn, it’s long overdue. Store it away. Naw’-
-sooooh
Uh
I
Open up that closet door and there’s the bag. When I open it the smell of white supremacy personalized to me is rotten fish, cedar, stale cigarette smoke, urine, dirty clothes, gasoline, diesel and human body odor. I remember his stained brown tank top, his upper eye brow twitching uncontrollably, short legged, bald headed, suspender wearing. Tick, in the town of Whitmore
“FEAR. FEARLESS, GOTTA’ BE.” Left it all behind. Why? In the event that I compromised all of what I was. ALL I AM.
I take the bag Tick gave me. Set the lab top computer on my den table. Something inside me, is telling me to not open up the computer. Turn on the television to distract me. Superman movie with Christopher Reeves-regains his superpowers after leaving his powers behind to be with Lois Lane . “Aghhh DAMN’T!” This ain’t helping. Maybe reading a comic will get me in a better mood. But, that’s counter productive to my hyper influential mind. Yea, like I could actually be a super hero.
With out looking, I pick up the comic book Batman R.I.P. I reread the part with his girlfriend betraying him. A betrayal that led to him being caught by the bad guys.
“AGHHHH TA’ HELL WITH IT!” Put the comic away. Open the lab top. Smoke blows in my eyes. Is it CS? Mustard gas? THE SCREEN PROJECTS A HYPNOTIC TURNING SPIRAL. A VORTEX SUCKS ME IN. SOUNDS COME FROM THE COMPUTER. INSTRUCTIONS. FROM A GROUP OF PEOPLE TALKING ALL AT ONCE. Like my life flashing before death, images from scenes paralyze my body. I CAN’T STOP WATCHING. IT’S CHANGING ME.
Falling through the air. Cast. CAST OUT. LAND INTO ANOTHER BODY. I look at my reflection as I fade into the shadow. Fade into darkness. INTO VOID. It starts again. Falling from the sky. Cast out. CAST DOWN into another body. I look at my reflection. I’m someone else. Falling from the sky. Cast out. CAST DOWN into another body. I look at my reflection. I’m someone else. Falling from the sky. Cast out. CAST DOWN into another body. I look at my reflection. I’m someone else.
I’m in a body dying on a burnt wooden cross. Surrounded by white pale figures. I gasp a breath after dying. One of the pale white figures removes his mask. It’s Tick. It’s just him and I. Then his face changes into “him”.
I fall from the sky among the clouds. The clouds darken. Lightning encompasses me. Lightning glows pale white, neon, yellow. Their faces shape into the sky. I KNOW EVERYTHING. I KNOW TOO MUCH. CAST DOWN, CAST OUT I FALL FROM THE SKY.
I hear the sound. A deafening thunder brings me back. I’m inside my bathroom. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I am out of control. Something is forcing me. Lightning strikes. I hear the wind and thunder. Then the electricity goes out. The light of the sky is just enough for me to see. To don a mask, tight black spandex shirt, spandex pants, armor, and combat boots.
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