honea byrne

The last ritual before slumber: I imagine a beautiful woman wrapping her arms around me. Her arms are so smooth and her hair is silk like. Such a stern comforting embrace. She whispers something into my ear….now I’m in that first stage of sleep. But I never learn my lesson. I always got to turn around and try to see who she is by looking at her face. An’ time and time again it is not a face at all. But a shadowy void. Following is the deduction: “Like I’ll ever have a woman anyway.”-then immediately the God faith thing comes-Damn it No! –I deny it till I’m consumed by the comforting feathery wings. It’s like a giant bird-an Angel consumes me-Faith is still inside me some place-my heart rate slowed down to a peaceful murmur-but once again i never learn-over-over-can’t resist the curiosity I got ta’ turn around and see if there is a human face to God-

I came back to the house where I spent heartbroken days. Held on to you for too long. Stayed drunk and high for years. While going through old things I wrote. I found the hand written transcript for a book I wrote when I first got sober 2to1 . I wrote parts of us being engaged in psychic warfare and scribed it fiction. Below are writings of this. Specifically, memories triggered by song connect us by the speed of thought. We had emotional angst experiences  at the same time. Your mother set you up with a new man. She was concerned. While dating him you remember a time when you said something to me and...      “Come sail away, come sail away with me.”             “What baby?”             Kathy is singing one of her favorite songs. A song by  Styx . Her mother is totally bewildered by her actions. Most of the time it’s like her daughter can turn her emotions off and on at will. Less than a minute ago she was whining, now she is singing joyfully.   ___________________________

Well I told my baby before I left this town “One day I’d be back and I’d really shake em down.” You may not remember me but I remember you. I got here extra early signed your list                           You kept putting me off  Why you wanna give me your monkey business? -lyrics to "By The Time I Get To Clarksdale"-by me (Holmes)  Thank You all for your support. I LOVE YOU ALL. Today is Friday April 21, 2017.  I came back to Clarksdale to play at Ground Zero Blues Club at their open jams during a time of year when there are hundreds of people in the crowd, Juke Joint Festival. I started doing open mics here, at Ground Zero Blues Club, in 2009 as a way to get over that girl. I was very pathetic back then begging for acceptance from anyplace I could get it. It was a challenge to play live and at first I very possibly was quite psychotic as I would spend hours talking myself into getting on that stage. And there were nights when I really sucked. I would take it p

You actually feel sick when they aren’t around. All these things of love sickness. Of course, the two of us were in a psychic  link. When we were physically separated we continued feeling each others emotional/spiritual pain. Pain was all we had left. While remembering who I use to be I can take actions to change. People say all the time, "No one changes." I have found this statement to be false; especially for those in recovery who apply higher spiritual principals to their lives. I am looking at the hand written draft of the second stor y I wrote when I got sobe r. I was trying to break the painful psychic link  between us. The following are excerpts of such a battle we engaged in, to let each other go... excerpts from 2to1 “Momma, momma, it has started again. He’s talking to me again.”-Kate             “It’s not real it’s just in your head. Don’t believe it, pay it no mind.”              That’s the funny thing about the way the mind works. If two people sp

When you spend a a lot of time with someone you become connected.  You know all their physical quirks, Like their body language before arguments. The different vocal tones that imply their liking/disliking things. You’ve done so much together, been around them so much that you are used to a physical routine. You actually feel sick when they aren’t around. All these things of love sickness. Of course, the two of us were in a psychic  link. When we were physically separated by we continued feeling each others emotional/spiritual pain. Pain was all we had left. How many like me. Carrying on like this for years. This ain’t love no more. It’s something else. “Yea it had to be something else,” I remember I mumbled under my breath at the site. Sergeant First Class Toro took me with him to see what happened. What happened was a soldier found out his Korean girlfriend was pregnant. So he decided to kill her and killed her son. The young son was in a small human remains pouch at her feet.

I want to know. I want to experience the pain. My part that I played in our relationships. Therefore, I continue to go through things I wrote while drunk, high, and heart broken. I am ready to love-and if I'm not ready than I will at least know what love is not. Then we’d get into an argument. I’d threaten to leave you. I look at it shamefully now. I mean where could you go? I had volunteered to save you. Maybe I was trying to make a trap. One you couldn’t get out of. Maybe I wanted you to think that you didn’t have nothing without me. Shouldn’t totally take the blame. I know that you had to have played your part too. I remember one time your mom came for a visit. I came about ten minutes late and had discovered that you had invited a guy over. There could have been a logical explanation. I wouldn't hear it. Instead I began to think your mother conniving to take you away from me. I remember the times we’d go do a weed run. You’d always drive. We’d go to one of your best fri

I remember your Mom was moving. Was going to take you. I wanted you. Wanted you to be with me. Figured I could take care of you. Build us a life together. Figured Love Would Find A Way.- My father told me, “It’s a big world, son.” after I gave him the news that I was quitting junior college and building a life with you. Thought I knew better than him at the time. Now I see. He was 18 years old when he married my mother. Six months after marrying my mother, his father died, my mother was pregnant. My goodness. How did he keep it together? They make jokes in those AA meetings. Fall in love in one week. Next week you moving in with them. That’s how it was with us. Should have been more of a man. I was getting money from my father and mother through emotional blackmail. That’s when you make someone feel guilty and they give you things. My parents were divorced about a year before meeting you. I’d tell them “You ruined my life Mom/Dad you ruined my life and they’d give me money.”

I remember ever so fondly our foreheads together. You would look in my eyes. I was so grateful to have someone to want me. I wonder if you were planting something in my psyche. Maybe that’s why for once I may be able to treat a woman right at this point in my life.  “I CAN TREAT A WOMAN RIGHT. I can be loved. I am an attractive person. I am loved and can love. I welcome abundance into my life.” -Yea, I’d repeat those positive affirmations that my first therapist told me to say over and over again. But I wanted answers immediately. Answers of how my life could be good. Of course the answers didn’t come immediately because I had lived a most of my life having negative thoughts. Waiting, hoping for anyone, anything to take notice of me. Only when I acted less than others would others give me attention.-or so I thought. I so desperately wanting acceptance that I would allow others to use me. You made me feel better about myself. Inevitably it was my fate to fail you because I didn