100 Love Letters I'll Never Send (...the two of us were supposes to build into something beautiful not destroy each other with guilt and anger.) (c) 2017

I want to know. I want to experience the pain. My part that I played in our relationships. Therefore, I continue to go through things I wrote while drunk, high, and heart broken. I am ready to love-and if I'm not ready than I will at least know what love is not.


Then we’d get into an argument. I’d threaten to leave you. I look at it shamefully now. I mean where could you go? I had volunteered to save you. Maybe I was trying to make a trap. One you couldn’t get out of. Maybe I wanted you to think that you didn’t have nothing without me. Shouldn’t totally take the blame. I know that you had to have played your part too. I remember one time your mom came for a visit. I came about ten minutes late and had discovered that you had invited a guy over. There could have been a logical explanation. I wouldn't hear it. Instead I began to think your mother conniving to take you away from me. I remember the times we’d go do a weed run. You’d always drive. We’d go to one of your best friends who was a guy. I was so ashamed of my abusive behavior toward you, believe it or not. So I just sulked and didn’t say a thing. Even when I’d find out that you used to date the guy, and he’d say these perverted jokes around me. I’d just try to get destroyed off of beer and weed.

I remember you’d take us out on outings that were fun. You planned everything. Now that I think about it. You paid for mostly everything. Before getting buzzed my insecurities would get worse, “Why were you looking at that guy.” “You don’t want me.” I’m leaving you!”

 Damn I wish I could be the man I am now back then. What would I do? I’d open doors for you. I’d send you flowers when you didn’t expect. I’d have us go on trips around the world. I wouldn’t complain or try to make you feel guilty when you would go out with your friends.


I remember when I was signing the paperwork to go in the Army I totally had you in mind. I would dream about us living on the base. Going to military balls. Doing what I pictured military couples to do. Damn I held onto you for too long. I know now that a relationship is supposed to be something the two of us were supposes to build into something beautiful not destroy each other with guilt and anger.

I remember someone told me "Was it you?" that you can drive someone to cheat on you. I reckon that could be true.

 Ugh. I think of that feeling. One of the worse I have felt in my life. The feeling when the woman you love is rejecting you for another man while you are together, in front of your eyes. Now I realize that my fear and anger could have possibly been warping my view points in reality. 


I flip through some other poems I wrote during my drunkenness. One is dated September 11...

to be continued...   

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"The Coin" part 1 from "Inside your shadow." (C) 2025

  There’s a river that passes through hell. To get across that river one must pay the ferryman (Charon). One of the items, energies set free was from an AA coin. When one leaves the Earth he/she must pay the Charon a coin. In other worlds (God’s Time is different from manmade time). The energies of the chip went to a father’s wake. He remembered a few years ago, hearing his father talk to his stepmom, “I just don’t understand why he came to Thanksgiving high out of his mind again. I’ve done everything I could do to help him.” The son remembered being drunk and high when he called his father on the telephone, “It’s your fault that I don’t have anything. It’s your fault my girlfriends leave me. It’s your fault because you treated mom so bad. It doesn’t matter how much money you have. You failed at life. That new wife you got will leave you too. How dare you treat your wife’s kids better than you treat me.” He called his father a lot with those type of sentiments. But this tim...
Read more

The Notes Byrne XXX (Sugar kisses, alcoholism and vampires ) © 2015

 Then I met this gay dude outside of an NA meeting. Chose him as a sponsor. He let me know he was gay immediately. He was a pianist on contract with the department of defense. He was a government contracted pianist. Had seven years of ‘clean time.’ His rock bottom was getting shot seven times when he was dealing drugs. Called him, family members and friends (including David’s mother) every night. When I graduated from ARD I heard my peers were not spared from the counselors calling them out. I remember all the patients, who had commenced, giving their academy awards speech. Thanking everyone who helped them in rehab. The Army Ranger colorfully compared his recovery to ranger missions. I was angry that my platoon sergeant wasn't there to hear my academy award speech. Therefore, I didn't give an academy award speech. Merely told them that I was going to use the tools from the spiritual toolbox that they had given me. Kept that chip from commencement for years in my ...
Read more

Notes that Byrne XXXI (Don't make any major decisions) © 2015

“Hey lover, are you naked?” is how the conversation started. Then came all the nasty things she was going to do to me. When she asked about my skin stick size, I told her there’s only one way to figure out, she hung up the phone. That’s a wake up call I’ll never forget. I got up, checked out of the Fort Lee hotel, and hit I-95 toward  Gulfport . Took 12 hours to get home driving non stop. They told me not to make any major decisions in that first year. This was impossible for me because, in six months, I had to make a decision to either discharge, or reenlist. I decided to go into ROTC. Totally ego driven it was. Figured I’d come back to the 54 th and run thangs’. Thus I started planning. Used two note books to write my plans, positive affirmations, contacts, and study work for the Praxis teacher’s exam. I had left USM (University of Southern Mississippi) on academic probation in 1998. Therefore, I had to get accepted under academic probation. I decided to continue to go ...
Read more