honea byrne

So aptly it had to be named because she knew something that I didn’t have the capacity to know back then. Or know now; reckon the difference now is that I know what questions to ask myself to gauge my quality of life or lack thereof. Just look at them. Keep the females in my mind. Come up with a situation and let the hand do its thang. For this would be far better than any drama I’d have to face if I was actually in a relationship.  “I told you I’d never love again,” -and I meant it at the time.  Love that was so indescribable at the time I can explain now after so much time and distance between us. Just that action of being physically affectionate with you was a big part of it. It was everything I had dreamed and “Now it was becoming true.” Was there any point to it after that? There had to be.  I think of some of the more fonder moments. Like on my twenty first birthday when you helped me when I was alcoholically induced with sickness. I thought it was such a gre

In her office she tells you, “Sit down.” She proceeds to look at your questionnaire and verifies some of the information. Then she goes through other papers. Ten minutes have passed. She puts the papers away and says, “The results of your H.I.V. std tests were…” The look she gave you at the beginning indicated dread. What must it be like for this nurse? Does she have kids at home? Does she treat them differently after giving tests all day? I bet she is very strict on her kids. Bet she’s married to a guy she dated for years. I bet they take their kids to little league. Bet they go to bible study, church on Sunday and all that. Wish I would have done something different. Wait, what if she’s got some std too. Forget her, what about me. How am I going to tell you about it? A tear streams down my eye. To hell with it. I don’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss. Life is about being happy.  “The results of the test are negative. There are free condoms on the counter by the door.” “Okay

Sometimes in the mid 1990's: Never a good feeling to be there. To protect the privacy the windows are tinted outside. To distract yourself you might find yourself playing scenarios in your head of why they are there in the Health Department. Strangers who you’ll never see again (hopefully) are better than seeing people you know. People you are surely going to tell everyone that they saw you there. Then the rumors that your infected. “Guess who I saw in the health department…” Yet there is no escape of the unavoidable doom as you wait for them to call your number. There’s all sorts of government health sanctioned posters on the wall. ‘This is what smoking does,’ with the two faces by each other. One is of healthy skin face. The other face that is by it is riddled with age. Makes the skin look like leather. ‘He said he loves me,’ with the face of progression of abuse on it. Starts with the black eye. Five stages later an almost recognizable face. There is also the anti drug stuff

I came to the office Monday morning. I was still hung over from Saturdays debauchery. My boss Sergeant Toro was the first to notice. “Junior you look like you had a ruff weekend,” he said with an ear to ear grin.   “Yea,” I replied.  “It’s yes sergeant!” He got a serious tone and I stood up straighter. Then he laughed, “You saw Mimi Choi uh? You wear a rain coat pilgrim?” He asked. “Yea.” I answered. But the truth was I wasn’t entirely sure. I just blocked it from my mind like it never happened at all. I figured sooner or later the US Army would give me some sort of health screening. Thank God I didn't catch anything. Reminded me of getting tested for a disease about a year after we were together. I was paranoid enough back then. I remember the sex is a doomed death videos they’d show in school. Video’s where someone’s testicles would be the size of grapefruits. Weird looking white and green stuff growing on penises. Weird stuff growing in vagina’s. Puss filled pimpl

I look at these letters. A bit worn these letters are with yellow rain spots. Weathered time made these letters hard; like the bark of a tree. I wonder what she would have thought if she actually read that letter from Korea. Maybe she would have gotten jealous and would show me more attention. People want what they can't have-that's just human emotion. I read the title A Safe Place In The Mourning Calm. I was mourning the loss of you. I knew that after the service I would never see you again. I flip through more and more of my drunken scribes. A reader could tell I was drinking while writing. In the begining it's legible, then legible with squiggly lines, then just squiggly lines. I don't remember a lot of it. I dig through another binder. It was when we were together. The drug use and drinking. It wasn't bad in the beginning it was fun. I remember you exposed to Majick. The memory of Korea comes back. That mysterious lady of the night. She was a changeling

100 Love letters I'll Never Send A Safe Place In The Mourning Calm part IV not published yet. This is part V ‘You must leave.’ It was morning time. She let me out the room. ‘GO NOW.’ I turned around. She appeared afraid. The sun light was blinding I closed my eyes tight. Reopened them and it was you. Started to say your name. I walk close and she turned into the female captain of our platoon. Being still a bit/a lot drunk I was illogically paranoid. Surely I would face UCMJ for doing what I did. I ran down an unknown hallway and hoped it lead me out of there. I opened up a door. The sun was even brighter to the outside. I take a step into the blinding light. Fell hard on my knees. Then face planted.” “Quite a story.” “Yea I almost sent her this letter. Then I remembered I didn’t have your address.” “What is this thing you have with death?” She asked me making the hallucination go away. Now she wasn’t you. She was young doctor.

I’ll never look listen to Bon Jovi the same again. And I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Enter into part III Of a Safe Place In The Mourning Calm I Dare YA! ;) (C) 1999, 2017 'You promise me heaven, then put me through Hell'-John BonJovi's voice echoed through my mind. Like throwing a rock into water and rippling through memories of you. They had their bare chest exposed and were rubbing nipple to nipple together as they girated at their waist. Mamasan began clapping in sinc with the beat. The others followed and cheered in glee. I took quick gupls and tried vainly to shake off the bad taste. The room slowly got out of focus. Looked like a bubble expanding small to big back to small. Every couple of seconds it got back into focus. They pulled down each others dresses and undergarments and started kissing each other. 'The damage is done.' Bon Jovi sang. I told you to slow down.' Mamasan seductively turned my head and she lifts up her blouse exp

An experience while stationed(US Army) in Korea. It's beginning to get sexual... Soju is the creeper buzz. You drink it for hours wondering, 'Why Am I not drunk?' Then it hits you out of nowhere and you are completely destroyed! They seemed somewhat Westernized. I had been to places here where they all had to sit low because of the table. They sat close together on a neon green sofa. This table was pretty long. Looked to be made of marble. There was a large chandelier on the ceiling that perfectly cast shadows on their low cutting blouses. There was a large plate of Korean style foods on it; like Yaki Mandu, rice rolls, and squid. They were pouring their drinks out of a pitcher that was shaped like a dragon. Out of the mouth of the dragon a green clear liquid flowed into their fancy cups that had strange Korean mask on it. I learned later this was the Korean Exorcism mask. I stood at the front of them. It was like I was in front of panel of judges. They just ke

After a break up I spent many months trying to drink and drug her out of my mind. In between black outs I somehow managed to get enlisted in the US Army. The first place they sent me to was South Korea. I was blessed to be protected by a Puerto Rican Sergeant Toro. He was also my supervisor. After weeks of staying close to him, I was alone on the streets. I was looking for something. I ended up in a familiar spot with a kind elderly Korean woman and twelve gorgeous women. June 1999: South Korea  A Safe Place in The Morning Calm "I stayed as close as I could to Toro. For weeks he was kind enough to tell me ins and outs of life and the ins and outs of Korea. One evening, he was busy. I understood. Like a child without guidance, I was scared of the unknown. I went down town anyway. Ended up in a familiar spot he had shown me. There was an older lady in there. He had introduced me to her weeks in advance. He told me it was a safe place for me to go. It was a two story building i

Mid 2017: (c) 2017 I have subjected myself to needless misery. In the past I have taken everything as personal insult. Why? I think I did it to protect myself from being hurt. Not too long ago, I criticized online dating. Now that I am on an online dating site I think I have broken through lies I have told myself. I wonder if anyone else has told themselves these lies: There's no one out there for me. Why does this always happen to me? Girls won't like me once they know the real me. I am discovering that people need people. I am going out with several different women and realize it's not a personal jab if we don't meet again. All it means is we just don't mesh well. I must look at women like I would friends. Neediness, emotional blackmail and such isn't conducive to a happy productive life. When I told myself such lies I acted out on them. Thus came a self-defeating life style. My mind enacted my actions; to become the lies I had told myself. How do I

"Wasn't supposed to be that way." I find some other rhymes I wrote from that time in South Korea.  One of our, Toro and I, jobs was to take human remains back to the hospital morgue. Every now and then we would assist in autopsies. All that tough thought of living in misery. Embracing the darkness. When I looked at the inevitable I realized the truth. The truth was I was scared to live my life. I used pessimism as an excuse. The first body I saw, in South Korea, was a retired Sergeant Major. He got to the top of the non commissioned officer branch and died two weeks after he retired. Drank himself to death. Someone there made the comment that people afraid to get out the military because they don't know what to do with themselves when they get out. This wasn't the first time I saw the dead. I had seen it during my Mortuary Affairs training in Fort Lee Virginia.  Read about that experience here . The instructor warned us in training, "Don't think

1999 Summer: So there I was in the Land of the Morning Calm, South Korea.  That was the first place the US Army sent me. I was fortunate of my Supervisor Sergeant First Class Toro. He taught me some important things. Forced me to do introspection. One afternoon he was training me to drive an army humvee. I couldn’t stop thinking about my life. What had it come to? I was locked in my head. Looking back on all that happened. I had not worked months before being here. I was thinking about you. The rcok band U2 was playing on the Armed Forces radio on that Humvee ride. “It’s like the song says junior, ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.’ Thought I was happy married. Thought I was happy having a family. Alright Junior take a right onto the highway.” Thirty seconds later the traffic was heavy and intimidating. Cars were going on the side of the road to pass other cars. “Damn you! Speed Up!” Drivers were beaping at us. One yelled, “Go home yankee!” In thick hongul acc

Summer 1999 South Korea: “Beware. The woman will take you to a back room away from everything; and in the dark shadows a man will be waiting to take all your money after they knock you out. Or they may just kill you. Another thing you have to be aware of is that they will put drugs in your adult beverage that will render you unconscious. Then you wake up in a dirty bathtub soaked in your own blood with a sign on the ceiling that reads ‘CALL THE POLICE.’ They have stolen your organs sold parts of you to the black market. Beware of the sexually transmitted diseases. They have something here called black syphilis. If you catch it you have to stay in this country.”  When we, soldiers, came to the peninsula, that's what they call South Korea, that was probably the part of our briefing that engaged most of our attention. But of course we did acts of sexually promiscuous behavior.  I was talking about how wrong you did me to any one that would listen. The only one who sy

1998-1999 like Bob Dylan said, "Join the army if you fail." When I entered the room family and friends would talk about me in bad way. They figured I was too far gone to know they were talking about me. My parents had their flaws. One thing they did do right was put a sense of pride in myself. Most of the other things they taught I had thrown away-I didn't lose things I gave them away. I think it was pride that said to me, "You can do better than this." Yea, waiting on you to come back I drank and drugged. Then being drugged and drunk became me. It's not your fault. I did it to myself. I wish I could take back all the things I said when I would call you.  At first my parents were giving me money on the condition that I passed college. I flunked out and they cut me off financially. I couldn't find a job because I left a terrible impression. I had to work for temporary job services doing manual labor. My father suggested that I join the army. Af