100 Love Letters I'll Never Send (...difference now is that I know what questions to ask myself to gauge my quality of life or lack thereof.) (c) 2017

So aptly it had to be named because she knew something that I didn’t have the capacity to know back then. Or know now; reckon the difference now is that I know what questions to ask myself to gauge my quality of life or lack thereof.


Just look at them. Keep the females in my mind. Come up with a situation and let the hand do its thang. For this would be far better than any drama I’d have to face if I was actually in a relationship. 

“I told you I’d never love again,” -and I meant it at the time. 

Love that was so indescribable at the time I can explain now after so much time and distance between us.

Just that action of being physically affectionate with you was a big part of it. It was everything I had dreamed and “Now it was becoming true.” Was there any point to it after that? There had to be.

 I think of some of the more fonder moments. Like on my twenty first birthday when you helped me when I was alcoholically induced with sickness. I thought it was such a great idea to go by every store and get a beer. For it was what I was legally inclined to do. I think of those cats we had. I had to have cats because it was reliving my childhood. There were always cats around my grandparents house. They always loved you so. I remember when we went to the beach Omni (female cat) came in the water to be with us. She did what I saw no cat do before or since simply because you called her. I named her Omni, short for Omniscient. So aptly it had to be named because she knew something that I didn’t have the capacity to know back then. Or know now; reckon the difference now is that I know what questions to ask myself to gauge my quality of life or lack thereof. You seemed so enthused at all my crazy creative ideas. You were my biggest muse. You knew I had had a very sheltered life. Thus you helped me to get around people.


Something started going amiss when friends of mine you had gotten with before you were with me started hanging around. I’d get jealous. You told me you thought it was cute. Did I test my boundaries from there? I became more possessive. Couldn’t ever let you hang out alone with them. Didn’t trust what would happen. I mean I didn’t hang out with girls when I was away from you. Surely, that rule was fair right?

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