Notes that Byrne XXXI (Don't make any major decisions) © 2015

“Hey lover, are you naked?” is how the conversation started. Then came all the nasty things she was going to do to me. When she asked about my skin stick size, I told her there’s only one way to figure out, she hung up the phone. That’s a wake up call I’ll never forget. I got up, checked out of the Fort Lee hotel, and hit I-95 toward Gulfport. Took 12 hours to get home driving non stop.

They told me not to make any major decisions in that first year. This was impossible for me because, in six months, I had to make a decision to either discharge, or reenlist. I decided to go into ROTC. Totally ego driven it was. Figured I’d come back to the 54^th and run thangs’.

Thus I started planning. Used two note books to write my plans, positive affirmations, contacts, and study work for the Praxis teacher’s exam. I had left USM (University of Southern Mississippi) on academic probation in 1998. Therefore, I had to get accepted under academic probation. I decided to continue to go for Special Education. Because of my 14 on the ACT I had to take a series of test online that were full of reading comprehension, English and Mathematics to get accepted into ROTC.

“Hey lover, are you naked?” is how the conversation started. Then came all the nasty things she was going to do to me. When she asked about my skin stick size, I told her there’s only one way to figure out, she hung up the phone. That’s a wake up call I’ll never forget. I got up, checked out of the Fort Lee hotel, and hit I-95 toward Gulfport. Took 12 hours to get home driving non stop.

I lived with my grandmother. I was terrified because I felt like she would not let me leave her house. Indeed the co-dependency was very toxic.

Started college August 2002 at USM Hattiesburg.

Egotism doesn't leave much room for logic. In ROTC I kept my uniform heavily starched, boots polished into mirrors, and got in really good shape. Maxed out my PT test every time. My fastest time on the two mile run there was 13:45. Then two semesters later came land navigation and infantry drills. Always had challenges with applying land navigation. I’d perfectly plotted the points on the map. Yet when I tried to find points on a land navigation course, I’d get lost in the woods. The Sergeant Major of USM ROTC who always looked highly on my performance, during physical training and my appearance, “Soldiers who haven’t even been in the Army know more than Holmes.” So I did what I thought was best. I read the text many times, wrote the information down, then recited it. Rote memory wasn't enough. My comprehension started affecting my classes. Countless times I had studied for hours and hours only to fail tests and assignments. This also applied to passing the Praxis. Took five times for me to pass it. When I was placed in Learning Disability classes I was taken out of Science and Math classes-I always pondered if that played a part in my learning challenges.

I had my father, my step father and my best friend (Charles) help me learn things that I had seemingly never known before. Were simple things like converting percents, calculating fractions, and solving multi-step word problems. Because of their help I was able to finally pass the Praxis exam the semester I graduated.

In the center of my emotional angst I was in challenging situations. A great learning point was when I called up Fritzgerald, he was in Virginia, and was complaining about everything. He replied, “Have you thought about drinking today?” “No of course not. What’s your point?” I didn’t realize his point until much later. He prompted me to go to meetings at Pine Grove. Shortly there after, I got me a sponsor in Gulfport. Bob was gay. He let me know that immediately. Thought it might bother me. He used to write and say the most thought provoking things. I still have the library index card that he wrote “Even if you make mistakes, who are you to say they are mistakes?”

So desperate I was to get into a relationship. Just like so many times waiting for ‘that woman.’ Bob informed me that I would attract what ever I was thinking. Thinking would manifest in what I was doing. Thus I would attract her. She was insecure and looking for a way out of a damaged relationship. I opened the door a little and she found me.

I dedicated about forty percent of my time to studying. The results were great. I got off academic probation. Raised my GPA from a 1.7 to a 3.3. Unfortunately, I used studying as an excuse to have no social life. about thirty percent of my time I dedicated to working out.