Byrning Notes XXVIII "We all want you to change." © 2015

 I was in my barracks room listening to the Smashing Pumpkins album Siamese Dreams. The song “Spaceboy “verse “I wanna go home” took me back to spending time with my friend Charles, some of the best memories of my life, that I have been friends with since 1979. I started remembering us getting high together. Then I heard from the song “Sweet Sweet” the lyrics “We all want you to change.”

This is what happened after being busted in the Army for being drunk on duty.


I was on the Blotter Report. They put you on this report when you've done something really bad. Something bad that even the General of Fort Lee knew about it.

Never knew, didn't want to know, what my blood alcohol level was. Knew if I wasn't drunk I would do my best to fight it. Knew if I was proven drunk on duty I would be utterly devastated. Furthermore, I knew I would probably be punished worse by the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice).

 I remember being soothed into it. A sergeant from 3rd squad took me to a Chinese Buffet before taking me to the hospital in Petersburg Virginia. It was my personal ‘Last Supper.’ On the fourth floor, Ward 4C, was where I detoxed. The mental health technicians took away my shoe strings, so I wouldn't hang myself, and had me wear hospital issued clothing. I noticed, almost immediately, that I had something in common with with all the patients there. The following are a few examples. There was the fellow who walked up and down the hallway reciting his own rhymes. He was convinced he was some sort of superstar. There was the weight lifter who lost his mind on a narcotic cocktail that included steroids. This guy couldn't stop taking about his ex girlfriend. Days later, a female joined us. He swore  she was his ex girlfriend. Even accused the staff of ruining her. I like to think he was telling the truth. Still don't know if he was. There was my room mate who walked around not knowing what he was doing. One night, he crawled in to my bed. Thank goodness, I was awake and quickly got up.

The smoking room was about the same size as your average home bathroom. It was encased by thick yellow stained glass. There was a small box that had about a dime size hole in it-this is where you lit your cigarette, cigarettes the staff gave us. They allowed us to go in there four times a day.

They required us to take meds in the morning, afternoon, and evening. I had the logic of, ‘I ain't getting high unless it’s on my own terms’ so I stuck the pills underneath my tongue. Then I’d spit the pills in into cigarette pack plastic.

In these types of places they give you a class every couple of hours. The topics in these classes are things like setting goals, healthy living habits, anger management, and of course, addictive behavior.  

Didn't take me long to find the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Steps and Twelve Traditions. I still have it. Took it from the hospital. I remember the desperation of hoping that book could save me. All I knew was to study it like a text book. Didn't make much sense to me because it didn't have any test.  Not a book test; maybe the test is how I live my life. I remember reading that those who aren't even alcoholics benefit from the AA program. I also remember the existence of God being explained by the wonder of electricity.

Stayed there about two weeks. A week after returning I was in my barracks room listening to the Smashing Pumpkins album Siamese Dreams. The song “Spaceboy “verse “I wanna go home” took me back to spending time with my friend Charles, some of the best memories of my life, that I have been friends with since 1979. I started remembering us getting high together. Then I heard from the song “Sweet Sweet” the lyrics “We all want you to change.”

Didn't even think about the consequences when I took two pills that I had collected from the hospital. Came to the realization quickly, “OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO REHAB IN TWO HOURS!” from that moment I realized inherently that I was powerless.




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