Thus far I think this excerpt maybe the most romantic thing I have written (What do you think?)

    
    © 2005 13 Apr 03
    Synopsis:
            Many have gotten depressed over the loss a boy/girl friend. Many have even contemplated suicide over such a loss. My story 2 to 1 is about a character that has this problem. He takes it to drastic extremes. These extremes include posting obituaries as wall paper and working at a local morgue. As the story progresses two dilemmas develop. One of these dilemmas is that his fantasies of killing himself are manifested on those he does autopsies on. It is as though he is doomed to see ways of dyi> ng in which he himself hasn’t got the gumption to do. The second dilemma is his obsession over his ex-girlfriend. This is a scenario in which his girl friend Kathy and him are doing psychic warfare to destroy one another. In this war a mysterious mass cult suicide becomes involved entangling and straining the lives of all involved. 
            I used my real life experiences to create the story. These experiences include assisting autopsies in Richmond Virginia, while I was a Mortuary Affairs Specialist in the U.S. Army, and a local legend about a haunted river in Pascagoula Missssippi (Singing River). 
      
    
2 to 1
           On my way to the video store I decided to switch the brand of cigarettes I smoke from Marlboro to Black Death. Really a hell of a marketing strategy on the box; behind all the black there’s a white skull and cross bones. Saw a new Yankee import beer at the con mart (covenant), formerly known as seven eleven. Got a skeleton sitting on top of a wooden keg is on its label. It’s called Dead Guy Ale. Now for the stroll into the video rental section. I rent volumes one through six of Faces of Death, buy six 20 ounce bottle of Dead Guy Ale and six packs of Black Death. The cash register rings up the total to 666, with a number like that I’m sure to die. Right? On the way back, driving in my 1980 vet, (Chevy Chevrolet) it looks like a beer can on wheels. I’m gulping down the nasty ass brew, smoking two cigarettes at once and just hoping to die. Of course I keep an eye out for the policemen. Hey I wanted to die not go to jail.
              Finished 1 bottle and five cigs before putting my keys into my front door. Sat down an’ thumbed thru’ the paper. I doubt there are any new obituaries that will catch my eye. Therefore add to my growing wall paper. The only obituaries that interest me lately are ones that I worked on. I pop the first tape into the vcr. Just hoping that maybe I’ll have a new idea, a new method to kill myself. The first scene is of a guy blowing the brains of his poor hostage out. The gruesome scene was all tap> ed on some third world countries evening news. Maybe I could just go to the store get a gun, come back here and Bang, it’s over. Naw, I’m too lazy to get up and besides I’m just starting to get a good buzz. The next show is policemen gunning down somebody. Man, they put so many bullets in the fellow. It looked like he was being electrocuted. Now that maybe an idea. I could go out and steal some policeman’s weapon, an wave it around like I was gonna’ do somethin’ an’ maybe
  just maybe I’d be shot to death.
               I finish off a bottle and throw it over my shoulder, let out a belch and watch this guy get eaten alive by alligators. Damn’t I hear the sound of glass breaking. 



 Kathy-
             Hundreds of miles away Kathy’s mom is about to initiate her idea. She’s so proud of herself. Set the dining table in the apartment with her expensive china that she only brings out during the holidays. She lit candles and incense all around the bottom floor. The lighting and smell are courtesy of this new-age slash self-help bookstore that she always shops at. It tickled her pink to think about the name of the candles and incense, dubbed “intense passion.” This was sure to get her daughters > mind off of her loser x-boyfriend. It would also turn on her daughter’s new man, Mike. Every woman knows that the quickest way to get a man’s heart is through his stomach. She had her husband pick out the steaks at the grocery. Had him cook them as well, whiled she made the salad and cooked the potatoes. Made sure Kathy put on one of her best dresses. Now they waited all together on the couch in the den, chain smoking. Kathy’s mom was waiting on Mr. Right to come on in the
  door. Kathy’s stepfather was rolling his eyes in aggravation and every few seconds checking his watch. He was ready to go bowling. Had been a good while since he and his wife had gone out on a date. 
             Did he die in it? “wishful thinking,” she mumbled to herself. Why couldn’t she get him out of her mind? He did her so bad. Ruined her. Mike was a good man, so her mother said. She should open her mind up to him. He would make her forget all about Mr. Wrong. 
             Mike rang the doorbell. His palms were sweaty. He was nervous. “Why?” He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was getting involved with something completely out of his control. Against his better judgment he entered the front door. Came face first into a creeping over enthusiastic smiling face and arms hugging him tightly. “Mike, we been expecting you. Kathy won’t quit telling us about the wonderful time you two had the other night. Right Kathy? Right?”…  
             Kathy is zoned out again. “Kathy!” Her step father, Rob, knows exactly what to do. He turns the television off.
            “Oh, what? Oh Mike hey, how are you doing?” she remains seated on the couch. 
  “Rob, go put the food on the table for the two lovebirds. Why don’t you get up and give him a hug or something, Kathy?”
  “Yea.” She cracks a smile and tries her best to sound like she is not faking enthusiasm. 
             TO HIM she looks utterly dynamic in her tight black dress that ends slightly below her knees. It perfectly snuggled against her figure. The push up bra she had on did her great justice. 
 “Well, kids we’ll see you later.” The door slammed behind them. She was hugging Mike and thinking about how good it used to feel when her ex used to hold her before it all went wrong. An’ for a moment she made believe that Mike was him and it was a perfect world. “You look so good tonight, Kathy.” He wearily kissed her on top of her head. With that kiss and that voice she realized that those days of happiness were far gone and she doubted that she’d ever that happy again.
            He pulled out a chair for her to sit down. Just like a polite gentle man. That’s what Kathy’s mom instructed him to do. Slowly he was beginning to be suspectful of the blatantly obvious fact that Kathy’s mom was diehard on trying to get them  together. He was very naïve, kept blocking his apprehension out with his logics; “Hey, I haven’t had a girl in a while and she is kind of hot.” 
              He sat right next to her, hoping that perhaps he could get lucky and cop a feel. She was silent as usual. 
             “It was really nice of your parents to do all this for us. Don’t you think so?” Kathy remained silent.
              “Kathy? Kathy?” there was only one way she could free herself and that was to kiss him. Hell, they had been out once before, so it wouldn’t be like she’d be a slut or anything. But timing was everything. Therefore she felt that she would have to manipulate him in some sort of way. She could start by pretending that he was the world to her. 
            “Yea, Mike I really had a great time together the other evening. I figured we’d have an even better time if we spent the evening here. So I convinced my mother to give us an evening here. Just you and I.” to him, her face was glowing with joy in the candle light. Apparently her trick had worked on Mike. Now he was relaxed. He was under the illusion that Kathy might actually be falling in love with him. 
           “After a hard days work at the factory, wielding and unloading all those damn supplies, nothing seemed to be going right for me today. Hell, I almost threw my back out. Yet knowing that I could see you tonight made my day go by quickly. You gave me hope.”
               “I’m glad that you feel that way. I have been thinking about you a lot lately as well.” Now Kathy was eating her food. Could it be the beginning of love? She was getting better and before too long she’d be a normal girl again that could not only be tolerant but also enjoy living life.


 Drunken divinities-
               And the Faces of Death video is now showing human cannibalism live from a land that even National Geographic forgot. By now I’ve gone through half a pack of Black Death cigarettes and four bottles of Dead Guy Ale. Feeling pretty drunk this>  all seems very absurd. After watching over five hours of death what ideas do I have? Become a hostage of a serial killer? Death by cop? Get eaten alive by humans or animals? It couldn’t be that difficult: all I have to do is go to the nearest Wally World, buy one of those cute redneck rifles and come back here, put my hands around steel freedom…Then…
   
  Kathy-
            Red liquid and broken glass breaks on the floor. As she extended her arm to put it around his shoulder she clumsily hit the wine glass.
              Damn it!
                       Repeat:

    
  Drunken Divinities-
   
    
             “Damn it!”
 Didn’t even catch myself walking to the picture as I fell over my own two feet. I cut my right palm open from the jagged edge piercing into my skin.
   “Kathy it’s okay.
  
  Kathy-

  It’s okay.” Damn it, just when he thought the evening was going so well. The neurotic lil’ girl starts crying. She cut her right palm while she was frantically trying to pick up the pieces.
“Why won’t you leave me alone.” What was she talking about?  “Hold me, Mike. Hold me.” Of course he held her. “Now come on Kathy let’s see about the cut. And like a caring adoring lover he wiped the painful tears that came from the sting of the rubbing alcohol. “Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.” she thought to herself. She was building up the momentum to kiss him before this had happened. She wanted so desperately to stop feeling anything at all for her ex. Why did he constantly haunt her? She wanted to regain her composure and try to kiss Mike again. But she couldn’t stop crying. He was holding her tightly and close as they sat together on the couch. 
    “Kathy. Kathy.” He gently placed his fingers underneath her chin and lifted her face up; so they were eye to eye. “Uh huh.” She replied hoping that he would kiss her now. She closed her eyes. A kiss would make everything okay. She opened her eyes after a couple seconds. “We really need to talk about this.”




  
  Drunken Divinities
    
    
              Probly’ need to get stitches. After I removed the sharp shard of glass from my hand it spurted blood violently into my eyes. What are the chances? Poured some ale on my wound, and wrapped a towel around it. No inspirations of death, just a d> runken folly. Tried to take down the 5th bottle in just one gulp. Didn’t quite make it, as beer and blood spilled onto my shirt. Immediately, I lit a cigarette hoping that the quickening nicotine breaths would ease the now sickening feeling that was comin> g to my gut. Mindless wails were echoing from the Faces of Death video: a mother with her 12 year old dying son. He was an innocent victim of a drive by shooting. Got shot twice in the stomach. “Burp!” Agghh yea that’s just what I needed. I stair on as th> e next scene comes haunting me of her memory again: 
          Lord, it was so long ago. Feel the smooth and soft feathers brushing across my brow. Then covering me, comforting me; an Angel is consoling me. Taking me away from the pain. Hopefully I’ll die in my sleep this time. All is well, until…
          Until I turn around. Curious? No. I hope it will be Kathy holding me in my slumber like she did so long ago. Surprisingly, it was her face: high dimples matching her modeling thin face and hassle green eyes that peer so innocently, yet passionately into the depths of my soul. “Baby, I’ve missed you so much.”
              I looked at her with loving eyes. Damn I should have said more to her. Should have treated her better. Will she let it go and love me again? Accept me as hers? 
    
  “I hate you! You ruined me! I hope you die!” 
    
  “No Kathy! I can change. We can be happy again.”  I pleaded to no avail.  “NO..NO!” woke myself up from my own screams. I was lying in a pool of vomit and blood. Cigarette butts and broken cigarettes resembled broken bones were scattered about this pool. My cut palm was slowly seeping blood. My head was dizzy and I felt like I had I had just eaten charcoal. To put it plain and simple I felt like what a cigarette put out in a glass of flat beer glass looks like.
              
  “Just a phone call away.”
  “One call changed my whole life.”
  “It was like the person on the other end had been waiting on me to call so my life could be fixed.” Voices were coming from people that were all disfigured and behind electronic snow. All courtesy of my t.v.’s bunny eared reception. 
   “Miss. Nora Jupiter Jones is your advisor to the stars.” Is this my remedy?

  Kathy-
    
              Mike finally got her calm enough by coaxing sips from two pints red wine. She was drunk and getting good and ready. “No one ever seemed to care about the way I felt before.”
  “Tell me about it, baby.” They were nose to nose now an’ she could smell the Budweiser nectar on his breath. Soon she could be free. She could do it the easy way and just kiss him. But no…for some reason she sensed it wouldn’t be that easy now. She lick> ed her lips in a sexy way, yet when she leaned forward to kiss him he moved further away.
  “Baby, we need to talk about this now.”
    It wasn’t so much that he really cared, it was that he wanted to figure out how to tolerate her. He didn’t have any romantic skills, therefore he might have to hang on to her for a while.
    
    
  Drunken Divinities-
    
    
    
              I sit on the edge of my bed. I was too lazy to turn off the television in my den. Now I hear the remnants of a dating commercial. Three things are running through my mind: 1. the picture of an ape holding a human skull and scrutinizing it. 2 . maybe I should call up the dating hotline and 3. maybe I should call up the psychic hotline.
                It would be so great just to hold Kathy’s hand right now. Then it occurs to me. Why did I cut the same hand I used to hold her hand with? Hell with this, I’m talking crazy.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
  Kathy-
    
  “I was in this relationship I just couldn’t seem to get out of.”
  “With?...”
    “Does it matter?”
  Mike picked up what he thought was a cue, so he put his arm around her waste and pulled her close. He was becoming less and less interested in her past and becoming more intrigued by the passionate moments they could have tonight. But damn it. She just > wouldn’t quit talking.
    “Following day we were helping my mom move things out of our old house. After my mother left, we did more kissing than moving. The kissing lead to us f##king. He called it making love. But I think all people who lose their virginity for the first time>  refer to it, “As making Love.”

    
    
  Kathy-
    
    
             “My mother met a new man, Rob. She was about to take me with her. But he didn’t want to let me go. Told me we could have a life together. Told me we’d get a house. I never had a boy pay that much attention to me before. We were inseparable. > I loved the attention at first. My mother and Rob moved up here. He and I remained there. He got a pizza delivery job. I didn’t work because by this point I was getting child support, 400 dollars a month, until age 21. We lived in this apartment. It had a>  single bedroom with a kitchen and den. Things were really great at first. Felt great to be away from home and live independently. We’d smoke weed, and party every now and then. But then his drinking became a concern, I didn’t pay it that much mind at fir> st. He was so sweet. During his deliveries he’d stop in and smoke a lil’ with me and we’d talk. He just couldn’t wait to get off of work so we could spend more time together. Then…” ‘Then’ the ugly four letter word used in
  this context usually meant that something tragic was about to follow. Mike pulled her closer. Now her emotions were beginning to level out a bit. But he was weary because he sensed that she might go back down a spiral and start freaking out again. The bl> eeding from her palm had stopped. 
                                                              “Geeze, he sounds like a real asshole.” Mike interrupted. He was becoming impatient with her because she was mumbling again. An he hated it when chicks talked about their old boyfriends extrane> ous facts. All the talk seemed to be good for was to assure the chick that the new man hopefully wouldn’t make the same mistake. She was beating around the bush an’ all he wanted to know was what he had done to make her crazy, but more than that he wanted>  to kiss her. 
  “What happened?” 
   “What do you mean?” she retorted as if she was suffering memory loss. She continued, “Well, it was a lot of different things. A lot of different events.” It was going to be a long, long drawn out tale. Mike, slyly glanced at his watch. Two hours had p> assed since her mother and stepfather had left. He better start putting it on hot and heavy because her parents could be back any second.
 Drunken Divinities-
    
    
                                        woke up to reality: my phone was ringing-“Hello” my voice sounds crackling and muffled from the phlegm build up courtesy of Black Death cigarettes. 
link to buy for $2.99
  _______________________________________