"She's a wild one" pt 1 excerpt from Inside Your Shadow (C) 2024

 

Times countless, to me, that I watched my lit candle flicker among the smoke of my lit incense. I have watched smoke form a face inside the cowl hood from the cloak. Next, the smoke gathered around the base, light fog settling on the lands, especially near water, water where spirits gather. Then the smoke rose around the flame. I’m remembering, “The Now Of The Then.” As the smoke around the flame-The Moon among the dark clouds. Did I cause such destruction? To ponder that question is unfortunately opening his/herself to be their own god: A symptom of what modern day magicians (psychologists, counselors, and such) would call a psychosis.

When the Night’s Eye shows itself-all sorts of things happen. The eclipsing of The Harvest Moon, The Blue Moon, or a Solstice Moon.

 

 On this particular Christmas night, the moon was blood red. The black void of the cloak came during the 13^th hour. She’s a wild one.

“I have something that scares me. Or I have something I’m looking forward to.

I’ll pick up the chips as a reminder that I’ll be okay.”

Went to her court appointed Narcotics Anonymous meeting at the eleventh hour. She had just enough money to get that nod. The meeting had twelve other addicts there.

Many would say that God is present in those twelve step rooms. Perhaps it’s unfortunate to open oneself to the idea that the devil is present in those rooms as well, “My name is Sarah, and I’m an addict.” “Hello Sarah.”

…thus it’s miraculous when God speaks through others in the rooms.

“I’m always obsessed. If it’s not about getting high, it’s about how everyone is doing better than me. Or it’s about how others treat me bad…” Sarah had long hair. Had it braided so that it hung to the center of her back. A little over a year ago, she was skin and bones with yellow greenish pale skin. Now she has a figure to her that’s healthy and she wears clothes that she looks good in.

“My name is Lori Ann and I’m an addict. I finally learned and did get out of my Higher Power’s way…” Lori Ann got a job at the same rehab that she attended. She’s been clean and serene for years.

“My name is Martha and I’m an addict. In the other program they talk about Promises that come true. I thought something was wrong with me that I didn’t see these coming true in my life. In Narcotics Anonymous the only promise is freedom from active addiction. And I realized that when I’m humble that that freedom gives me so much more. It gives me a life I have never dreamed of…” In her using days, Martha stole money from her home group. Six months after that when she paid it back, she was sponsored by a financial consultant, Martha became a pillar of the community. Has been clean and sober for seven years. Eight more shared.

And she continued to hear more things about herself as the sharing (God Talk) continued. She had gained weight back too. Didn’t look like skin and bones. She heard an addict share the joy that she got clean and sober before her daughter could remember her using. But she kept telling herself like countless times before, “I’ll just do it one more time. After that I’ll get right and be a good mother. I’ll never be that good off. It’s just not meant for me.” …and she imagined the high-tried to block it out, “The wisdom to know the difference." She got in her dented up cracked windowed, missing headlight car.