full story "She's a Wild One," from "Inside Your Shadow" (C) 2025

 

Times countless, to me, that I watched my lit candle flicker among the smoke of my lit incense. I have watched smoke form a face inside the cowl hood from the cloak. Next, the smoke gathered around the base, light fog settling on the lands, especially near water, water where spirits gather. Then the smoke rose around the flame. I’m remembering, “The Now Of The Then.” As the smoke around the flame-The Moon among the dark clouds. Did I cause such destruction? To ponder that question is unfortunately opening his/herself to be their own god: A symptom of what modern day magicians (psychologists, counselors, and such) would call a psychosis.

When the Night’s Eye shows itself-all sorts of things happen. The Sun eclipsing The Harvest Moon, The Blue Moon, or a Solstice Moon.

 

 On this particular Christmas night, the moon was blood red. The black void of the cloak came during the 13^th hour. She’s a wild one.

“I have something that scares me. Or I have something I’m looking forward to.

I’ll pick up the chips as a reminder that I’ll be okay.”

Went to her court appointed Narcotics Anonymous meeting at the eleventh hour. She had just enough money to get that nod. The meeting had twelve other addicts there.

Many would say that God is present in those twelve step rooms. Perhaps it’s unfortunate to open oneself to the idea that the devil is present in those rooms as well, “My name is Sarah, and I’m an addict.” “Hello Sarah.”

…thus it’s miraculous when God speaks through others in the rooms.

“I’m always obsessed. If it’s not about getting high, it’s about how everyone is doing better than me. Or it’s about how others treat me bad…” Sarah had long hair. Had it braided so that it hung to the center of her back. A little over a year ago, she was skin and bones with yellow greenish pale skin. Now she has a figure to her that’s healthy and she wears clothes that she looks good in.

“My name is Lori Ann and I’m an addict. I finally learned and did get out of my Higher Power’s way…” Lori Ann got a job at the same rehab that she attended. She’s been clean and serene for years.

“My name is Martha and I’m an addict. In the other program they talk about Promises that come true. I thought something was wrong with me that I didn’t see these coming true in my life. In Narcotics Anonymous the only promise is freedom from active addiction. And I realized that when I’m humble that that freedom gives me so much more. It gives me a life I have never dreamed of…” In her using days, Martha stole money from her home group. Six months after that when she paid it back, she was sponsored by a financial consultant, Martha became a pillar of the community. Has been clean and sober for seven years. Eight more shared.

And she continued to hear more things about herself as the sharing (God Talk) continued. She had gained weight back too. Didn’t look like skin and bones. She heard an addict share the joy that she got clean and sober before her daughter could remember her using. But she kept telling herself like countless times before, “I’ll just do it one more time. After that I’ll get right and be a good mother. I’ll never be that good off. It’s just not meant for me.” …and she imagined the high-tried to block it out, “The wisdom to know the difference. She got in her dented up cracked windowed, missing headlight car.

The Cloak-

She had to use her cell phone as a computer, to send her desperation on Messenger. Next, she remembered laying flat. As she stared at the ceiling light the Moon passed over the Sun, “An eye closed.”

The clouds then cloaked The Night’s Eye. Lightning fingers touched the land with just enough authority to turn off anything that lit the land.

A few that knew of the entities coming through an open barrier dared not to tell.

She saw nothing in the darkness of the cloak. It was a comfort she so adored until the whispering came. She could’ve been approached by anyone. Actually, the whispering words became clear. Clearer than any voice she had heard before. Yet it began to frighten her because she couldn’t understand who or what they were talking about. Then she saw the bright light.

The emergency technicians were opening her eyelids, checking her pupils with that special light, while talking all that medical talk. Placing the pads on her chest.

She did know though, somehow, more than she had known anything ever before, that she was going to another place. She thought the blinding light had to be heaven. Then she saw a hand come from the light. Instinctively, she placed her hands in stronger hands. 

“Am I dead?” She asked with a whining crack voice. She had remembered many times, “I’d be better off dead. I wish I were dead. Little Nik would be better off without me.” Yet now when faced with the seemingly inevitable fate; she wished to be alive.

“Copernicus, what a name.” He said. Yea, she was dating her college professor. She had that debate for a while to give him that name. “I can’t do this anymore,” he said that one last time.

She remembered the first date. How she stayed after class that one day to learn the basics. He stood at his board explaining things she didn’t understand. She had been out of rehab for less than a month. Was embarrassed that he was a couple of years older than her. She wondered if her mind would be capable of learning again. She remembered how he sat next to her. Made her feel calm, made her feel hopeful. She remembered the look he gave her. “It was like you both knew.” She remembered being drunk again in that same bar days later. She was too wasted to drive. He drove her home. She wanted him. But he kept his distance. She remembered staying after class more and more for tutoring. He motivated her. A year and a half later she graduated from college.

He encouraged her. But then later, “I can’t do this anymore!” Her husband’s veins in his forehead were crudely poking out. 

The inside of the house was big. Had marble floors, brick fire place. The house had a large kitchen. Larger than any room that she had lived in before. It was her dream house. The yard was pristinely manicured. 

 

When she had done this before, she used to laugh at that too. She was fine for the first year or two. She was a stay-at-home mom. He was everything she thought she wanted. It was a beautiful life that she thought she wanted. He was a tenured college professor of science. Took her son as his own.

“You left our child to do…” his voice was fading. She was on the nod. He walked to her, leaned down. Was face to face. She feared the chair would break. His eyes were full of tears. He definitely didn’t want to, “I want you out by the time I get back from work,” She knew it was for real this time. “The law will come to escort you out.” Then he dug into his pockets. Took out a roll of cash and threw it in her lap. He walked away quickly. Stomped his way upstairs and cried. She hated to fall asleep in that chair to the sound of his crying. She woke up about two am. She knew where he hid his wallet. Took out his black American Express card, took their son, Copernicus, and the new BMW SUV that he bought her six months prior.

“I didn’t want to leave,” She was haunted by the memory, as though it had happened now as she walked beside her father in a field of stones.

“I had to do something! Look At Me! Damn you!” She screamed as she stopped walking. Then she looked up at the face of her father. His face was pale. His eyes were green, “Sometimes it is easier to remember what wasn’t than what really was,” he said. Then he vanished.

She now saw a darkness inside of the hood.

After she left her husband, she went back to her hometown. She went to see Sally, her high school best friend. Sally lived off and with, “My Man,” Sally told everyone. Her man made meth in the same trailer home that they lived in. The trailer home was deep in the woods of Saucier Mississippi.

“I had to do something he was threatening to take my son away. It was waiting on me?” Lil Nick kept crying in the backroom, “Damn I wish he’d shut up,” Maddie said. “He’s probably hungry. Where’s his bottle?” Sally replied. “See that’s why I love you. You’ve always kept me together,” with that Maddie got up and walked cautiously around the dirty piles of laundry, milk crates and boxes filled with things that Sally acquired from the side of the road. Sally puffed her long cigarette. With each inhale and exhale it looked like her face was going to fall off of her skull. “Yep yep,” she replied. Then she pulled a glass tray from underneath the couch.

“Is there nothing I can pay to be right again?” Maddie cried as she pleaded. It was the most anguished cry she could ever remember. Like morning sun rays piercing through the cracks of walls, his face reemerged from the blackness of the hood. He looked down on her. She remembered that look. Had she remembered it before? Her mother had long dirty blonde hair. Had many wrinkles in her once silky-smooth face-For the way time had its way with people was catching up to her. She looked at him and he looked down on ‘Baby Maddie.’ “We got the good life now, Joe. It was a nice home. A bit aged outside but still attractive with the ionic columns on the sides of the entrance to the front door. Had beautiful marble floors and cypress wood on the walls. There was a new couch, ugly now a days, that was orange leather. Even had a large state of the art new colored Zenith television and vinyl, eight track player combo. The fridge was always full of food.

Maddie had seemingly traveled through time. Now she had the same mind set in an infant’s body. “All we have to do now is be responsible…” She continued talking; as her father, Joe just stared down at ‘Baby Mary.’ Joe would wait until they all fell asleep to leave and never come back. Even with an older mind, she couldn’t make him stay.

 

The inevitable truth might be that even with her present mind in her infant body was unable to make her fate different. Yet she had to try. Every parent has that pondering moment of wondering how their child is doing. Mary was able to climb out of her crib. Then she crawled on the floor. It was challenging to crawl because she was getting rug burns on her elbows and knees. She could not speak but she thought if Joe would see her he wouldn't leave. Yet as she crawled on the floor something was strange. She didn't recognize her surroundings. The carpet was stiff from unknown stains. The walls had no wall paper. The walls were of wood finishing that even with the moonlight shining through, one could see the layers of dust, and cob webs in the corners of the ceiling. There were toys on the floor: teddy bears, and large play telephones with large numbers were among the toys. There were boxes stacked, that in the reflections of night, looked like apparitions. One of them had on a hood. She was frightened until she heard the door open and hoped her father was there. Then she feared for her life as she saw the hooded one moving toward her. She tried to crawl away. The pain got worse. Now the carpet felt like needles. She turned around. She could not escape as now the figure was over her. The figure came closer to Maddie. Was there only a never-ending darkness inside the hood? The figure picked her up close enough for her to see her own face inside of the hood.

The hooded figure was her. And the baby was Capernicus. Told herself that she would change her ways. She'd be the best mother she could be. She looked down at Capernicus. Held him tight, "It's just you and me." Then her eyes rolled into her head for a couple seconds. She couldn't remember where she was or how she got there. Her heartbeat increased. Then she remembered giving the twenty dollars. 

 

"So how's Lil Nicky doing?" He asked. He was wearing a long sleeve black shirt that had an eyeball on the chest part. "He's fine. Just got him in daycare. Can't stay long, got him in his crib. Hopefully, he won't climb out of it." She replied. Then he got up and walked down the hallway to a small fridge about two feet high and a foot wide. He kept it at a temperature of about 45 to keep the batch fresh. Had a padlock on the door-he kept it there thinking that if he ever got raided the cops wouldn't be able to get in it. She heard the key go into the lock. Heard it twist and unlock. And this was her moment of happiness for the day. She was calculating the time the whole high event. She'd have a conversation for no longer than ten minutes. Then maybe two hours in the backroom, "The Waiting Room," is what he called it. She could never remember his name. He was super nice. Told herself he actually cared about her with the questions he asked. Questions about her childhood. Questions about school days. Questions about her job. She told herself that was the reason she kept coming back. He was her intimate friend. One of the only ones in this world who actually cared about her. They were having the usual talk about how to get money from her abusive husband. She had the most convincing story. She had said it so much she had it memorized. While he was telling her again for the countless time, "You know you can go to the police station. Tell them he assaulted you. But you better have some bruises or something as evidence of his abuse." Then he threw the bag filled with an off-white powder. She dug in her pocket. Pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar. "We gonna need more than that," he replied as he took the bag off of the glass table. He stood up, walked into the kitchen. She heard the sink water faucet run into the small pot. Heard him take a spoon out of the drawer. Heard him take out the portable stove eye. She didn't know that he laced it with fentanyl. And she dug in her pockets mumbling, "Damn it," She knew she had no more money. Hoped she did though. She'd probably have to do him a favor. She watched him set the small pot on the stove eye. Stared at the water till it came to a boil. He was talking about something. But the words seemed muffled. She smelled the joint he lit. Passed it to her. Seemed unconsciously-how she could grab it. She took a long pull. Heard the fiery crackle of the stems and seeds. She pulled out a pack of Marlboro menthol. They saw that she had only smoked two out of the pack. She placed the crumpled twenty on the table.

"Baby, you got to relax," he said. He didn't even look at the twenty-dollar bill on the table. She finished smoking one. Took another one out. But her hands shook so bad she was almost unable to light it. "It had to be something in the weed," she thought to herself. She had a dreadful premonition that she was about to face a fear she had never faced before. 

His hand seemed freakishly large when he put the syringe over the liquid and drew it in. He held her right arm firm. She wanted him to stop until she felt the sting. then she felt the warmth, then she felt numbness, "Baby we gotta get you comfortable." She remembered she told Nicky the same thing, as she set him back in his crib and left for the Narcotics Anonymous meeting. She could barely walk. He guided her into 'the waiting room.' He set her down on the bare mattress. She looked up at the ceiling fan. Thought about that peculiar eye on his t-shirt. The eye seemed to open and close on its own. Her eyes felt dry. It felt like she couldn't close her eyes: One Night of Many.      

                                                                                     It depends on what direction you see the light to casts the shadows you want to see. The melted candle wax molded together and stuck to the candle holder.

The hooded figure and the handheld bottleof filled with holy water projected a large, hooded apparition by a temple; as the Los Santa Muerte glass with candle inside shined strange faces on the wall. Making it look like clouds with faces around large, hooded apparition by a temple.

The sage is used to cleanse the area of wickedness. However, the cleansing power maybe, unfortunately contained by the Peruvian prayer beads around the objects (The Energy Point). The beads are made of lamb bones and carved into small skulls, the size of half of a fingernail. The beads are connected by a string- a string that is strong because it is meticulously woven from hair. The number of beads are, at times, a measurement of time-there are fifty beaded skulls. This could represent fifty breaths, fifty heartbeats, fifty thoughts, fifty seconds, fifty minutes, fifty hours. Therefore, the knowledge of what the casting is, is unfathomable.

"So." "So." "Zoso." "Hey, watch your steps Be weary of what you say?" The Dealer replied to one of his business associates, aka, the employee, aka dealer below him. The Dealer walked to the corner of the large den to his vintage 1970 vinyl record player. Pressed a couple buttons and Led Zeppelin's  "Dazed and Confused" played loud enough to be heard outside of the trailer. "You know Jake Holmes actually wrote this song," The Dealer said. The instrumental of the song is always so gloomy, so supernatural and mysterious was fitting. Her heart was beating fast, but her chest hardly raised for breath. "Am I about to die?" She asked ever so hoping. At the same time, she could hear Robert Plant singing on the vinyl player, "Babee, babee, babee!" she was looking into the dark face of the hood. Her father's face appeared again, "Well Maddie Mare. Maybe?" Her father replied. Now the hood was gone. Her father was wearing the same stained t-shirt he wore that night when he left her and her mother. "She feels hot," the employee said, "Dude what the hell are you doing?" The Dealer said. He was in the doorway of the waiting room. "I think she is dead." "Dude, let her be. She'll be fine." Then they both walked back into the den. Mary looked up at the Sun. The sky went black. She was so hot that her tear drops immediately dried on her face. 

The sky was like looking through a long tunnel, "Come on Mary!" She thought she heard The Dealer say. The Dealer took a long pull from a bong that he called "Alice" because it looked like the same bong that was in the movie Alice in Wonderland. She'll come around in about an hour.

She once heard during high talk, that there was this thing called astral projection. High talk are those conversations you have when you’re in those awkward situations when you don’t know the company you’re around, or you know the person, or persons you’re around but you really wish you didn’t have to be around them. The only thing you have in common is getting high.

 

She saw a man holding a tiny baby very reluctantly. “Well baby, you better get used to it,” a teen-age girl said as she lit her cigarette. The father, holding the baby, stared back at her with anger. “I been pulling Mommy duty for hours waiting on your sorry ass.”

“She named you Mary Madaline because she figured it would straighten me out. Out of spite I called you ‘Maddie,’” The man turned his head to her. All of the peeling wallpaper of the room fell off of the walls. She was in darkness again. “Daddy?” After she asked she was walking side by side with him.  She looked around and saw stones and flowers.

“I knew that you would remember Maddi,” he replied. “We are in the cemetery where your mom is buried,” he added.

“Lost In The Found!”

I remember her smell. I remember the expressions on her face.

“Answer me!” She screamed.

“Dude, I think I heard something,” the employee said. Then he stood up and walked back to ‘the waiting room.’ The dealer followed him. The employee kneeled by the mattress. Had his head on Mary’s chest, “What are you doing?” The dealer asked. She ain’t breathing. She ain’t got no heartbeat either,” the employee replied.

“The answer ugh?” Her father said to her. Then laughed. She knew he knew something that she didn’t know. Would she ever know? The sun-the light in the middle of dark clouds didn’t move.

“I think she’s dead?” He asked trying to sound comical-had that nervous laugh. Had that type of buzz when everything’s funny or at least he hoped for that.

 

 

She meant everything to me. Even though I didn’t know her for long. “You know Zeppline stole a lot of songs,” the employer said.

“Dude, there’s only so many riffs, melodies, and rhythms that a musician can play.” The dealer said. Then took another pull off of the ‘Alice in Wonderland’ bong. “’Nobodies fault but mine’ was originally by Blind Willie Johson. ‘When the Levey Breaks’ was by Memphis Mimi and Kansas City Joe. They were Mississippi Delta musicians. The employee insisted, ”Squeeze my Lemon,” The dealer said. Then he started singing with Plant’s vocals from the loud vinyl player.

 

I know it’s been said many times, and sometimes said untrue; but there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to see her again.

 

Mary could smell the thick marijuana smoke lingering in the air. It seemed to fill up the whole trailer home. Her heart felt like it was being stabbed. Then she thought that maybe she could…Then she willed that maybe she could sit up in her bed. Placed her feet on the floor. She stood up feeling that she was about to fall. “Hey!” At the same time of her unheard yell there was a strange hiss that played from the record player. The lights of lamps and ceiling lights blinked three times.

 

She feared to look back at the bare mattress.  

Then She looked closer at her father’s face. Looked so close that she could see the reflection of her face in his eyes. She saw herself getting older. She focused on her father’s face. He was the same young age and she was getting older.

 

She looked at the smoke in the air that was not moving.

She looked at the mattress. Her body was still on the mattress.

“Is it possible to live in two different worlds at the same time?”

“It’s really no big deal,” the dealer said as he broke up finger sized buds on the table. The employee’s hand trembled so much that Mary’s keys sounded like a percussion.

 

Twenty minutes later, the employee was driving her car. The dealer and the employee covered her body up with all the trash and clothes in the back seat. He was chain smoking cigarettes, and his hands kept trembling. The dealer gave him a hundred dollars. “Hundred dollars for thirty minutes of work is pretty damn good,” he tried to justify to himself. Sometimes he was the middle man. He sold to a couple lawyers. Even the worse ones made at least two hundred an hour. He kept looking out of his rear view for cops. What if they recognized the car? He could justify that he was her boyfriend and he was going to pick her up. Maybe he could sit her up in the passenger seat, tell the cops she was wasted. But what if they decided to check the car? He should have checked the car for drugs. She was at the dealer’s house, so she probably didn’t have any drugs in the car. But what if there were syringes, papers, or pipes? A couple of the cops had to know she was trouble. People like her were always tangled up in the law. What if the cops knew him? “Where is he?” he looked at the dashboard clock. It’s two am in the morning. Nothing good ever happens at two am in the morning. Then he felt guilty. Maybe he should call the cops. Tell them some lie. Maybe he should rat out his dealer. Then red, blue, and white shined brightly. Almost blinding him hitting the rear-view mirror.

 

 “This is the plan. We drive the car on ninety. We park it in a spot across from the hospital. Then we put her on the beach. And we going to wear gloves so that there will be no finger prints,” the dealer instructed.

“We? But how are we going to get back here?” The employee asked.

“Oh yea. Good thinking. You’re going to drive her car. Put gloves on. Then you gonna drag her body to the beach. Somebody will find her and we won’t get blamed,” the dealer said. Then he took out a huge fold of money wrapped by a huge rubber band. Unwrapped it and handed the employee a hundred dollar bill.

“May I see your license,” the police man asked. Well this one was polite. May work in his favor. Handed him his license then kept his hands low so that the policeman couldn’t see his trembling. “What are you doing out so late?” The employee thought about all of the scenarios. What would be the best and worst? It may not be what it looks like.

“Why you got those gloves?” “Oh, I just got off of work. They don’t let me handle food.” “Whose car is this?” “It’s my girlfriends.” “What do you have in the back seat?”
“Man, who knows. My lady is such a pack rat.” Then read the employee’s license. “You got anything on your record?” “Funny you should say that sir. I was jamming to Led Zeppelin earlier.” “Have you been drinking tonight?” Then the officer chuckled. The scenarios were racing through his mind. The policeman was going to take him out of the car. Then dig through the back and find her dead. The policeman would call for back up. He’d be in jail. Then he thought that possibly the dealer set him up. Probably called the police. But the dealer paid him with a hundred dollar bill. But the dealer would pay for more if he himself got caught, Then the employee thought about how he would be held responsible for the girl dying. How many drugs had he delt that killed people. He had destroyed lives. He remembered her name was Mary. Or was it Maggy? She had a son. Probably would never see her son again. Maybe he could turn this around and not get the full wrath of the law.

“Maddie Mary, her father said her name. “Everything is getting hot now. Why?” She asked him.

A loud sound came over the policeman’s radio. Sounds of panic. The employee was too stoned to decipher the sounds. “Well be safe, son,” the policeman said. Handed the employee his license back. Then he got in his patrol car and sped off.

She was afraid to look at her father’s face. She looked at the sun in the sky instead. The sun seemed to be lowering. Or was it a light? Or was it the Other Side coming?

“Well thank God,” he sighed and slowly puffed a cigarette. “Naw this ain’t got nothing to do with God. Yet Maybe it did. Afterall, nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.” He wondered where that voice came from. Then he remembered that he accidentally hit the am radio while he was digging in his pocket for his license. “Maybe there was a moment when divine intervention came. Think of that memory. And you’ll find that moment where ‘A Power Greater than yourself saved you.’”

I remember the way she used to look when she was very tired. The employee looked out of his rear view. Was getting anxious, hoping the dealer would pull up soon. Maybe he wasn’t coming. He had to do something. If that same cop came it would definitely be suspicious. He smoked another cigarette and decided that after he smoked he would move the body himself.

 

 “Damn,” then he flicked his cigarette butt out of the opened window. At First he held her body in his arms, thinking that it would look like she was his bride and they were on their wedding night about to consummate their love for each other on the beaches shore, “Yes baby I love you more and more every day. It’s like my love grows when we are apart for so long. Made me learn to make myself into a better man. For once you’re quiet babe,” and he went on and on. Set her body on the edge of the shore. Looked at her face, and the guilt came back. He tried to reason with himself that it wasn’t really his fault. Then he thought about the addicts in the newspaper article. Yea the ‘high cost’ rumor mill.

That’s one thing about addicts. They love to spread rumors about the most tragic events. There was a group of them. A couple that insisted to try the cocaine, “there to make sure it was a legit”-the real purpose was to get as much of a free high as they could. “Hey man you hear about Reggie? He took a bad batch. Ended up thinking he could fly. Waited till the morning, climbed up the old Seers building and jumped off. Suffered two broken legs.” “Well, that didn’t come from me,” the dealer was quick to say. “It really could not have been the Seers building. That place has been abandoned for years,” the girl said. “Yea that’s uh bad neighborhood. That’s where the gangs are. Dudes so bad. You never dare say their names. Probably got thrown off of the building for some gang shit.”

That night the same couple died. They say it was a murder suicide.

When you left me I blamed myself. I should have said or done something different. Should have done something better. With that distance of time, I have learned to love the right way. I can love you the best I can-That’s the difference in ‘The Serenity Prayer.’

A thought occurred to the employee. There’s a pay phone about a block away. He could tell the dealer he was calling to see where he was. By the time it took to chain smoke two Marlboros, he was on that gas station payphone calling 911.

“What does that mean?” She asked as the sun seemed to be coming closer to her. She felt the heat on her face. One of the EMTs shined a flashlight in Maddie’s eyes. “We got a pulse.”

I remember when you left. I’d look for any clue of you everywhere I went.