#100LoveLettersIllNeverSend (Special 50,000 views issue) (C) 2017

The majority of the posts from this passed year has been from 100 Love Letters Ill Never Send. It has been is good for me. I hope it has been good for you. Much of it I layered with Spirituality, It has been an emotional toll writing this. Reliving things. Don't get the wrong idea!  I am bonding with you. Talking with you. Hey you remember that time don't you? When you felt rejected. When you did that crazy thing to be accepted. That thing you regretted. Oh the things they said about it. Even worse the whispers or the looks they gave you. 

...now I got that all in my face. Thought it be kewl. And it was to see everyone from my old school days. Yet it made me realize I'm different now more than ever. 
“…and uh, hey _________ I bought this for you. It was fifty dollars,” she said with glee holding that vile containing some kind of yellowish brown red thick fluid. She’s passed her prime wearing that black dress. Nice rack though. And surely I’m passed mine. At the speed of thought temptation, “This could be the one. One of those moments that you better do if you don’t wanna be alone nomore,” I think to myself. My chance to join the human race. Back in highschool, I’d be lucky if she even looked my way. Get drunk loosen up. Go with the flow. We could go on vacations. I could show someone how great I am. I could not be alone anymore. We could live in a bighouse overlooking the bayou. Just like it was when I was a child. My friends could be your friends, your friends could be my friends. We could have great lavish parties. Then in a flash my better logics come back to me. Thank God. I’ve died a thousand deaths emotionally/spiritually. Been unemployed times, been hating myself. The countless nights alone the lies I’ve told myself. “No thanks. I go to those crazy meetings.” I say assertively.
“Oh.” She looks at me like less of a human now. I dig in my pockets. Get out my water, guzzle it down.

“Drink that water. Woo hoo.” She says and walks off.


“When you get the cramps in life. Drink water flush it out ya body get back on the field and play ball,” I whispered to myself a favorite quote I got from _________. 

Well I did what I set out to do. I went up to the new wedded couple. I looked you, the husband in the eye when no one was there but me and him. Wished him well. He's the type of friend I'll always love back then, and forever. Who loves me then and now. "I'm proud of ya'll," then I handed him a photo album.  

       To walk the paths 
          Once again: Is it really
       happening? Or did I form
    a lie to to feel bad because I deserve
  it. Or did I form a lie to avoid the truth
so I wouldn't hurt and be hurt/hurt someone else.

...and uh you don't go back down the same path cuzz you know it's just gonna waste your time. I'm proud I am choosing another path. Then I got in my car. Remembering how I made that long drive years ago...

TODAY I make a commitment to stay the course.
After all...
I heard a rumor that uh, knowing what you don't want makes it easier to find what you don't want.

I know you're out there love...

     



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