100 Love Letters I'll Never Send (A New Hope) (c) 2017

"I love you too baby. I can't live my life without you. I try to carry on. Get me a job here in Virginia; but my hearts not in it. I keep on thinking of you. This is my new number. My mother finally felt sympathy for me and got me this phone. So now I'll be able to talk to you more. I couldn't call you as much before. Because my mom would give me hell. Now that she's how I am now she's even talking to me about you coming up here for a visit. You were down but you put yourself back together. I don't know how you did it. But it is inspirational to me. You're the only one for me _______. When you're having bad days remember that I love you. I have to go now my mother's calling me for supper.
I LOVE YOU."

"I love you," I tell her. She is what I need in my life. I can love someone the right way for once. I am still in my car in the parking lot of the AA clubhouse. Didn't want anything to distract me.

"Kid why didn't you stay for the meeting?" My sponsor asks me. He crept up on me again.
"I got this. I understand where I went wrong I was totally absorbed in my own negative emotions I wasn't letting anyone in."
He rolls his eyes, "Oh good you working with another alcoholic who can't stay sober."
"Something like that." He knew I was lying to him.
"Read page 69," he instructed then he walked away.

Carmelita called me at 5 am. Giving me inspiration day by day. Being loved again gave me a strength I had not had before.

I was getting better and better at being a garbage man. Dean started going on other trash trucks. And ever other day the driver of the truck I was on would let me drive with him.

When he took me to the trash yard I knew I had arrived. It was a long line. Takes about thirty minutes for our truck to get through, dump its trash, and refuel. In the waiting time a group of us would hangout. Dean joined us introduced me as Speedy. I was gaining a reputation as being the quickest worker to put trash in the back. They'd talk about their nagging wives and kids. There parties. And I'd join in making up stories of Carmelita and I going on vacations. Her complaining about my television shows, how great our sex was. Dean would look at me side ways. He knew I was lying. I don't know why he never called me out.

A week went by. I hadn't made a meeting was too busy. She didn't call for a couple days. Of course, I returned to AA. She had abandoned me again. I thought it was good. I'd try to call her. The number was disconnected. I just knew that she had moved on.

 I read page 69

Yet I still told everyone at work lies about Carmelita and me.

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