100 Love Letters I'll Never Send (The damage drugs had done to me and how I made my life better...)

"...who   have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body."-Alcoholics Annonymous A Forward to First Edition

I put the papers that I wrote before, during and after you, down for now.

Many who read this may not understand how I feel better now and why it is important. There was a time in my life when I woke up for extended periods of time with that knot in my stomach. The kind of knot that comes when there is something wrong, ‘I’m in trouble,’ ‘I can’t handle this anymore,’ ‘I don’t want to live no more.’ Work through the day. Get back home. Get back into the bottle to feel better. Yet I would feel worse. I still have those moments. These moments aren’t as long and aren’t as intense. I learned in rehab that I had damaged my brain. The drugs had been feeding dopamine artificially to my brain. Thus my brain stopped making dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical in your brain that brings pleasure. Thus came withdrawals and depression. In time, without drugs and drinking the dopamine produced naturally again. My addiction also effected the area of my brain that makes decisions.

It was hard to do things that I once thought were so difficult. Things I should have known how to do when we were together. I grew into things and did things in spite of my fear. Events like going to college, getting an esteemed job. Supporting myself, buying my own things. 

I often think that I would be better now to you if given the chance.

Been a while since I did things I like to do. I was blessed to have an army counselor who took interest in my writings and getting me sober. She recommended a book The Artist way. I followed her suggestion. It brought the best of two worlds together Creativity and Recovery. One of the assignments was to go on artist dates. I learn about things I enjoyed doing that I forgot while I was treating myself horribly. I remember one of the first artist dates was to the Edgar Allan Poe museum.