100 Love Letters I'll Never Send part 3 (Inside Your Shadow) (C) 2022-2023

 “Dude, look at the way you live Like in a hovel,” his friend Carlton told him about a year ago. At that time, he was living in a two-bedroom apartment. “…that’s more like a compartment. You really think you gonna attract any kind of female?”

“What about you, living in that tin can?” Tin can was what he called Carlton’s trailer home. Carlton always seemed to have the right answer, “I don’t really care dude. You’re the one always talking about being alone.” Carlton said. Then took a sip of his beer. He had cleaned up a little bit. That meant that he just moved the biggest things into a spare room so that no one could see the mess. Carlton always knew about the coolest movies to watch. There was just one picture on his wall. It was of James Dean with one of his quotes in all big letters “Dream like you’ll live forever; live as though you’ll die today.” They were sitting on the couch that should have been thrown away years ago. “Check this out,” Carlton said as they watched “Pulp Fiction.” “It’s called a Mac Royal,” Carlton loved to recite movie lines. All he had to reply was, “Dude, you ever feel lonely?”

              He studied that her facebool picture one last time for the day, to be accurate. Accurate of the types of jobs she had had. From her pictures, it looked like she had worked in a hospital; probably as a nurse; orat least as a doctor’s assistant. He also remembered and saw she had pictures of her hiking. When he would bring her to their new home, hiking would be their first date. He also saw and remembered that she liked wild flowers. Therefore, he would bring her a bouquet of wild flowers.

               He meticulously checked to make sure he had everything. Enough food in an ice-chest. Making sure the food and drinks didn’t crush the bouquet of wildflowers. The trip would take three thousand miles, or at least three days. He went back inside his newly bought house and hung up the “Welcome Home” sign. Then he walked outside and then inside several times to make sure, Rehearsed it too. He’d have her in his arms as they entered through the front door. She’d be so excited. He’d look at her face. He’d be teary-eyed as he’d say, “Welcome To Our New Life.” Then she would smile, and they’d kiss.

     “I remember you’d always liked to take me on long trips,”

he said as he imagined her sitting on the passenger seat. He’d hold her hand tight, remembering the times they had on the beach. He was driving on the beach highway, aka Highway Ninety for as long as he could; as the first song on the first CD played Everclear, “I am still living with your ghost,” came loudly through his speakers. The beach would be on his right for many miles.

On one of those trips, baby I remember that time we went to Florida. Didn’t have ny money, and you used that credit card. You knew I was locked in my head. You always knew.

              He paused, looking at the sun setting.

Yea babe, this is my turn to be your one. Remember that Mcdonald’s we went to for breakfast, and I saw that tall black woman at the cashier. I called her Grace Jones. She had claws. Fingernails at least three inches long. She had to be seven feet tall. I was simply terrified going into new social situations. You’d take me to the big clubs and I froze. I remember you’d take me outside to the beach’s shore, “Listen to the waves hit the shore. Baby calm down.”

I saw many hotels and motels as I drove the highways and all the scenery causing me to remember things I ain’t thought of for a while. Like that time we were following your mother. You let me drive, and I carelessly put the standard gear the wrong way and I messed up the car. Well, I owe your mom for the money she paid to fix it. Remember that time, you bought that night at the hotel. You seemed to buy everything-Yea, I know I didn’t believe in working too much back then. I’m singing that song that’s forever imbedded in my mind, “Come sail away with me. Come sail away come sail away with me,” I sing with the cd. I’m almost halfway through the collection I’ve made for this trip. I been drinking coffee and chain smoking.

Then he paused his conversation at the drumbeat of the bridge-worried about the things he would say. Then he started talking to himself, “The pictures on her face book, don’t show her smoking. I better get this car smelling good. I can buy one of those spray things-that’ll shoot out mist every twenty minutes. That’ll solve it. I can wash my clothes in a laundry mat to get rid of the smoke. Anything for you baby,” he pulled the mirror flap to look at her photo. The photo he found months back-the item added to the events that he had convinced himself of “God’s leading me back to you babe.”

The sun was going down and he had that feeling like so many times before. That feeling of exhaustion, when no amount coffee, or long ago, it be alcohol and drugs, or energy drink could keep him awake. “So you’re really going through with this?” That was the first thing out of his sponsor’s mouth. And of course, that angered him, “Look, just because you never had any luck getting that woman back that you couldn’t get back because you messed up the relationship; doesn’t mean that it won’t work for me!” He yelled back in the cell phone; as he dumped his suitcase out on the floor. He looked at the same polo shirt and blue jeans in the strewn clothes. That was what he wore years ago on their first date. The shirt and pants were very wrinkled. He looked at the iron and iron board by the door of the hotel room. He also noticed a coat hanger. Then mumbled to himself, “I better get the wrinkles out of this,” while his sponsor replied, “Who are you yelling at. I’ve been happily married for over twenty years now. It’ll happen for you when you’re ready.”

“Have you been to a meeting?

“I gotta go.”

              He was sure to pack his portable cd player so he could stay in the mood, “I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes,” Ace of Bass sang to him. He also had the coin, a seal of Solomon. She gave it to him on their first-year anniversary. He lit a cigarette. Told himself that would be the last one.

Baby, remember how I was so nervous. Remember when I asked to kiss you.

              He left the hotel around six thirty am. He prayed after waking up, “Lord, please make this happen for me. I’ve learned from my mistakes of the past. I’ve said the Prayer of Saint Francis many times. I’m so tired of watching others be so happy and thinking that life just isn’t for Lord.” Then his logics came to him. For a few seconds he knew this was not a good idea. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You’re not going to ruin this for me. Everything I have done has prepared me to truly love. Thank you God.”

He was sure to pack as many apples and pastries as he could, when the doors opened for the hotel’s continental breakfast. He was nervous checking out. Hopefully they didn’t know about the breakfast he took. “Time time ticking in my head”-the final cd was playing. The song from Anthrax’s album “Persistence of Time.”

“Nothing can stop my love for you,” he said out loud as he remembered a girl he dated after numerous break ups. Her name was Mary. He met Mary. Mary saw him when he went to that bar-convincing himself that he had to break out of his destructive thinking.

Yea, I was drinking that coffee. Smoking those cigarettes. Was doing it so excessively I’d joke, “Drinking cigarettes and smoking coffee. It was a full bar. Yea, I definitely had to look, yea I did look out of place. Had on that tight white tank top. The band was playing slow songs for all the couples. They danced in front of that stage. I walked passed the bar. I saw her give me those hungry eyes. What a coincidence, the cd is now playing that song ‘Hungry Eyes,’ I gave her that cool nod. She followed me outside of the bar. We talked. Then I ended up going to another bar with her. I don’t drink anymore, and I wasn’t drunk then. But all I could do was think of you. I realize another mistake. Yea, I was so scared to go out in the public. I know it had to be such a burden on you. You never could have a good time because you would have to worry about me.