Inside Your Shadow (100 Love Letters I'll Never Send) (C) 2022-2023 (unabridged edit) part 1

 Inside Your Shadow (100 Love Letters I'll Never Send)

Pretending I’m talking to you again. Professing my love, “It’s been so long. When you left me, I blamed myself. I should have said or done something different. Should have done something better. With that distance of time-ICAN LOVE YOU NOW. I may not be capable of love now. Yet I am more capable now to try. ‘That’s the difference in that Serenity Prayer.’ I remember when you left I’d look for a clue of you everywhere I went.”

She gave me something shaped like a coin. Said it was one of The Seals of Solomon.

I released the power in that coin to find a couple. To influence them to truly love one another. I wanted to use the power for myself. But …” Sigh. I let you go a long time ago,”-a vainless lie I tell myself. Will this be in The Hundred Love Letters I’ll Never Send

 

my love?

I remember that first date. You were supposed to meet me at the graveyard. Seemed like an odd place. I went through a pack of Kamel Kools waiting on you. Pathetic me. I was eighteen years old and never had a date. My daddy always forced mw to be on time. When you finally came. You are the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. It bothered that you were late. Undoubtable. Were you high when you said that you were talking to crows? You had the post office scale to measure weed accurately. You lived with your mother on a street called ‘Hemlock.’ I remember asking you in your bedroom, “Can I kiss you?” Had what appeared to be ty-dyed curtains over your window. Had that Beatles “Abbey Road” poster and a Ramones poster on your wall. You replied by playing Four Nonblonds on your large boom box.

Every time I hear that song’s lyric “Trying to get back some kind of hope” I remember you replied by putting your hands on my cheeks. You kissed me. Can you believe that song has over thirty million views on youtube now? I remember sitting in the passenger seat. I mean, you had skills. Driving and rolling a joint at the same time. I remember that Ace of Base playing in the cassette player. You’d sing with the song, “I saw the sign.” I wanted to hold your hand. Wanted to hold your hand so much. Me, the timid child. Too shy to talk to girls. Fear of rejection. And you. You reached over and held my hand. You always knew how to make me feel better. Be better. I realize now. I never showed you enough. How to feel better. How to be better.

 

I press the stop button. That’s over twenty hours I’ve recorded on CDs for the road trip.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought I knew what love was before. Thought I knew what love was. I figured if I delivered pizzas full time I could make enough money to support us. …I’d stay drunk enough to believe it.

You had it rough; I would learn that on our second date at Goofy Golf. Remember when we walked into that mirror illusion room? I got the courage to wrap my arms around you. We looked in the mirror. “Do I look strange?” And I replied with laugher. You leaned back and looked up our eyes locked.

Thinking about that now-It was at that moment you wanted us to have a family. “My father died almost a month ago,” you said with tears slowly streamed down your face. It seemed instinct for me to gently wipe your tears away. We watched a married couple watching their kids. As putted their balls into a sculpted bunny’s mouth. Couple years later, in those two hundred dollars a month apartment that you paid for, from the money your dad left for you. I remember having an image in my mind of looking and feeling stronger. It was a rainy night. The electricity was out. I also had a vision of you. We were not together. You lit that cigarette nervously. You looked so disappointed. “I picture our future together,” you replied.

When we were together nothing but us mattered. No matter whatever was happening in the world around us. I remember that time, we were on the beach. Wanted the traffic to stop. Traffic had made me nervous while we were smoking that joint. You were wearing that hippy dress. You pushed me down. I laid flat on the blanket on top of the sand. Could feel the grit underneath that large blanket. You placed your knees on my sides. I felt so. Something about looking into your eyes frightened me. Was it the fear?

The big red moon, in the sky, was your halo. Then it became your crown. I know now that you were my queen. Now I can treat you like you deserve. Baby, I can truly love you. On that beach, I was looking at your face. Recorded that song to the CD today, “There’s a Bad Moon on The Rise,” remembering how the clouds covered the moon. “Close your eyes,” you whispered. With eyes closed I heard you inhale the smoke. Then I heard the traffic, many feet away, get so loud. Felt the heat of your breath on my face, Smelled the sweetness of your breath. Inhaled the weed smoke you exhaled into my mouth. Heard the loud thunder. “Open your eyes.” The clouds moved passed the red moon. All was silent. The traffic was gone. “I love you.”

              “You going on a road trip? Uh?” “Yea. It’s coming close,” I replied to Miss Enid at the front desk.

Yea, you probably couldn’t even imagine the way I am now. Been at this job for over a decade now, at Morningside Investments. One of their best financial consultants. Yea, remember those days.

              Of course, he didn’t tell her about the time Morningside fired him. Or him being rehired. Or the years it took him to be affluent.

              They were in their twenties, and that was over twenty years ago. Last place they lived was that old eight room, one time hotel, in Wiggins.

I have no regrets of how I was then because it made me the man I am now, You give me a chance and I’ll make it right with us.

              He remembered visiting her after a busy night of delivering pizza. Her mother answered the door, “Who is it?” He said who he was, “Okay, it’s you.” He would learn later that a few weeks prior she had broken up with her would be fiancé.