100 Love Letters I'll Never Send complete story 1-5 "Inside Your Shadow" (c) 2022-2023
Pretending I’m talking to you again. Professing my love, “It’s been so long. When you left me, I blamed myself. I should have said or done something different. Should have done something better. With that distance of time-ICAN LOVE YOU NOW. I may not be capable of love now. Yet I am more capable now to try. ‘That’s the difference in that Serenity Prayer.’ I remember when you left I’d look for a clue of you everywhere I went.”
She gave me something shaped like a
coin. Said it was one of The Seals of Solomon.
I released the power in that coin to
find a couple. To influence them to truly love one another. I wanted to use the
power for myself. But …” Sigh. I let you go a long time ago,”-a vainless lie I
tell myself. Will this be in The
Hundred Love Letters I’ll Never Send
my love?
I remember that
first date. You were supposed to meet me at the graveyard. Seemed like an odd
place. I went through a pack of Kamel Kools waiting on you. Pathetic me. I was
eighteen years old and never had a date. My daddy always forced mw to be on
time. When you finally came. You are the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
It bothered that you were late. Undoubtable. Were you high when you said that
you were talking to crows? You had the post office scale to measure weed
accurately. You lived with your mother on a street called ‘Hemlock.’ I remember
asking you in your bedroom, “Can I kiss you?” Had what appeared to be ty-dyed
curtains over your window. Had that Beatles “Abbey Road” poster and a Ramones
poster on your wall. You replied by playing Four Nonblonds on your large boom
box.
Every time I hear
that song’s lyric “Trying to get back some kind of hope” I remember you replied
by putting your hands on my cheeks. You kissed me. Can you believe that song
has over thirty million views on youtube now? I remember sitting in the
passenger seat. I mean, you had skills. Driving and rolling a joint at the same
time. I remember that Ace of Base playing in the cassette player. You’d sing
with the song, “I saw the sign.” I wanted to hold your hand. Wanted to hold
your hand so much. Me, the timid child. Too shy to talk to girls. Fear of
rejection. And you. You reached over and held my hand. You always knew how to
make me feel better. Be better. I realize now. I never showed you enough. How
to feel better. How to be better.
I press the stop
button. That’s over twenty hours I’ve recorded on CDs for the road trip.
I thought I knew
what love was before. Thought I knew what love was. I figured if I delivered
pizzas full time I could make enough money to support us. …I’d stay drunk
enough to believe it.
You had it rough;
I would learn that on our second date at Goofy Golf. Remember when we walked
into that mirror illusion room? I got the courage to wrap my arms around you.
We looked in the mirror. “Do I look strange?” And I replied with laugher. You
leaned back and looked up our eyes locked.
Thinking about
that now-It was at that moment you wanted us to have a family. “My father died
almost a month ago,” you said with tears slowly streamed down your face. It
seemed instinct for me to gently wipe your tears away. We watched a married
couple watching their kids. As putted their balls into a sculpted bunny’s
mouth. Couple years later, in those two hundred dollars a month apartment that
you paid for, from the money your dad left for you. I remember having an image
in my mind of looking and feeling stronger. It was a rainy night. The
electricity was out. I also had a vision of you. We were not together. You lit
that cigarette nervously. You looked so disappointed. “I picture our future
together,” you replied.
When we were together nothing but us mattered. No matter
whatever was happening in the world around us. I remember that time, we were on
the beach. Wanted the traffic to stop. Traffic had made me nervous while we
were smoking that joint. You were wearing that hippy dress. You pushed me down.
I laid flat on the blanket on top of the sand. Could feel the grit underneath
that large blanket. You placed your knees on my sides. I felt so. Something
about looking into your eyes frightened me. Was it the fear?
The big red moon, in the sky, was your halo. Then it became
your crown. I know now that you were my queen. Now I can treat you like you
deserve. Baby, I can truly love you. On that beach, I was looking at your face.
Recorded that song to the CD today, “There’s a Bad Moon on The Rise,”
remembering how the clouds covered the moon. “Close your eyes,” you whispered.
With eyes closed I heard you inhale the smoke. Then I heard the traffic, many
feet away, get so loud. Felt the heat of your breath on my face, Smelled the
sweetness of your breath. Inhaled the weed smoke you exhaled into my mouth.
Heard the loud thunder. “Open your eyes.” The clouds moved passed the red moon.
All was silent. The traffic was gone. “I love you.”
“You
going on a road trip? Uh?” “Yea. It’s coming close,” I replied to Miss Enid at
the front desk.
Yea, you probably couldn’t even imagine the way I am now.
Been at this job for over a decade now, at Morningside Investments. One of
their best financial consultants. Yea, remember those days.
Of
course, he didn’t tell her about the time Morningside fired him. Or him being
rehired. Or the years it took him to be affluent.
They were
in their twenties, and that was over twenty years ago. Last place they lived
was that old eight room, one time hotel, in Wiggins.
I have no regrets of how I was then because it made me the
man I am now, You give me a chance and I’ll make it right with us.
He
remembered visiting her after a busy night of delivering pizza. Her mother
answered the door, “Who is it?” He said who he was, “Okay, it’s you.” He would
learn later that a few weeks prior she had broken up with her would be fiancé.
I work in one of
the biggest and the tallest buildings in town. It’s quite a site to see looking
out the windows on the top floor. Even more so on the flat roof top. You can
see the entire city below. Imagine that. I look forward to bringing you here.
We could have a picnic on the roof top. I’ve got a big house too.
He dared not tell the truth, that
he had just bought the house about four days prior. Moved in new furniture
Setting everything in place. Like the state of the art refrigerator with two
silver doors that were bigger than that closet in the apartment that they lived
in Wiggins.He had an expensive China dishes in a glass cabinet in the kitchen.
It was in a special place, just so that when she came to the kitchen that would
be the first thing she would see. Maybe she would remember, and know that he
was different, than that time they were in the thrift store. Her mother bought
the second hand utensils, and dishes. He was so oblivious of everything. Didn’t
even say thank you.
He remembered that day they were
walking through the mall, “Baby imagine that chair.” Inside the window entering
into Gayfers was an expensive rocking chair. “My mother could rock back and
forth when she comes to town,” she said as they walked into Gayfers. “Yea, that
sounds cool,” he replied and then looked over at the sales person following
them. Then he stopped walking and turned around, “Excuse me, how much is that
rocking chair?” “Five hundred seventy-eight dollars and twenty three cents.
You’ll absolutely
love the floors. Floors look like marble. The den has a large table. Table big
enough to set for twenty of our relatives and friends. Even has a large picture
of a peacock on the wall. I also have some paintings of Walter Anderson. You’ll
love the one of the cat. Every time I look at it I remember how much those two
cats we had loved you.
They lived in the Palmetto
Apartments. Two stories high with rooms placed in the bricks. It was structured
in such a way that it may have been a hotel once. Even had a swimming pool
gated inside an iron fence. He remembered a couple of weeks prior to them
moving there, “My mom is moving to Michigan. I’m going with her,” she said
nervously pulling on her Marlboro. “I don’t want you to leave. We can live
together.”
You played that
Ace of Base song “I saw the sign” for the countless time, as you drove us
through the dirt roads of Saucier. Parked at a lake, where a new house was
being built. I followed you to the shoreline.
Her mom and his divorced parents
gave them dressers, a couch and a huge bed. He kept that old furniture for many
years. Even when knobs were missing to pull the drawers open. Even kept that
old dresser that had warped wood that made it difficult to open.
Well, baby, I kept
that old couch my mom gave us. It’s the same couch that she saw us embraced.
Mom had the most frightened expression on her face. Or was it anger?
He didn’t write in his letter
about hearing her crying on the phone that she was losing her son. Then he gave
it more thought. Then scratched out that line about his mother, “. Mom had the
most frightened expression on her face. Or was it anger?”
You’ll love the
view. Our upstairs bedroom, and our downstairs den has the perfect view of our
outside lake. There’s a boat dock, and a small boat house. We will snuggle in
the evening and watch the sunsets. We can even go in the den and watch the sun
rise every morning. That reminds me of that one night when you were so tired,
after working at The Waffle House. You were sitting on the couch.
“Add a little macaroni, a little
potatoes. Mix it around real good with tuna.” “Sounds like you making a goulash,”
she replied. He stopped stirring the pot. Left the kitchen and sat with her on
.
“Well, baby it’s
the thought that counts,” he replied. Then held her hand. “What’s on
television?” “Fresh Prince,” she replied. Then she put a large bud on the
table, broke it up. Few seconds later, they were smoking a joint. “I smell
something burning.” “Oh no!” he yelled. Then quickly went to the kitchen. “Damn
it!.” Weed combined with burnt macaroni smoke thickened the air. She opened the
door and a cat ran inside.
You named the cat
“Bandit.” Then a few days later you found that bobtail kitten in the A and P
grocery store parking lot. You let me name her “Omniscient.” You called her
“Omni.” Remember we were at Three Rivers one day. We were swimming. You called
our cats to come join us in the water. I was amazed when they both swam in the
water to be with you. That was one of the most amazing things that I had ever
seen. I think of that now as I add another song to the road trip music mix.
“I don’t want to sound like a
creep.” “Naw I can’t write that.” Thus he crumpled up that piece of paper and
threw it away. Then he started again.
Baby, I know I
left you in a horrible way. But now I’m here to make it all right.
He just assumed that she lived at
the same place she did twenty years ago. After all, that’s what a facebook
profile, one of many, indicated to him. This particular one had her address on
it.
A few months ago: He heard it at
work, “How long is he going to be full of gloom and doom?” “Man, that dude
really needs to get laid.” He felt as if everywhere he went was a reminder of
how lonely he was. “Your obsessive-compulsive thoughts are telling you what to
see,” his Spiritual Advisor sat across from him. It was about an hour before
the meeting. He had been through rough times with his last “I’ll love you
forever” that inevitably became the “I’ll love you forever, don’t call me
again.” He kept staring at the AA emblem carved so meticulously on the floor.
His advisor’s chair always seemed to be higher than his chair. As if he were
looking down on him.
“So what do you expect to happen? She’s going to come to the front
door and all of the sudden, it’s happily ever after.”
He started chain smoking. With
each puff, he so desperately in vain to block out the truth. He’d reply back
with that predictable, “…you don’t understand.”
For the passed two weeks he’d notice things. Things like the aroma of
fresh cut flowers that lingered in the air of the grocery store. Or was he
thinking about what the flowers would smell like? The aroma, “You know babe, I
never bought you flowers.” He’s see the family of the hand man walking side by
side with the pretty woman, smiling. Nothing in the entire world mattered but
them.
“Don’t do this. You’re not ready for this. The way you speak, you’re
making up fantasies in your head. You’re making her into your higher power.”
He kept wondering painstakingly, “What’s wrong with me? Why can others
have someone to love. But I can’t?” At work, he noticed his peers with those
pictures on their desk. Pictures with the wife, or the girlfriend. Pictures of
great adventures. Pictures of family vacations with the dogs. He wanted a
trophy like that to show off.
‘God send me this’ prayers came before that one particular day. The
drive to work.
I was driving in
thick traffic. A dark 1990 Toyota Corolla sped up behind me on 55. I looked in
my rear view and it was you. The years have done well for you. Still had your
long brown hair with natural streaks of red. Then you zig zagged and I looked
again. What I thought was you was someone else. In that moment, I realized that
God had sent me a sign. I mean what are the chances of seeing that? When I got
back to work I was listening to the radio and that song came on. And I
remembered. We were on the bed. The bed that was supported by your great
grandmother’s bedframe. You were wearing that white nighty. You leaned your
head forward. We were touching foreheads and looking into each others eyes,
while Styx sang, “Come sail away. Come sail away with me.”
He typed her name into the
facebook search. There were twenty results. One of the results was a
journalist, “Nope, Doesn’t look anything like you babe.” It took him hours,
until he narrowed down his search to five. “Please don’t do this,” he
remembered his sponsor’s warning.
The crusty old miserable guy whose
lived through everything doesn’t even give the chairman a chance to complete, “Does
anyone have anything to…” “Yea, I was driving into that car crash. Everyone
tried to tell me that I shouldn’t. I just had to find out for myself. I thought
I was the exception to the rule…” He then looked around him. He was just one of
them in a huge circle. After five more minutes of the Crusty Know It All, he
lit a kamel. He looked at his advisor, nodded, “Patronizing. Condescending son
of a #$%#,” he muttered to himself. “Yea, they told me to…” He already knew
what the next one was gonna say, “They told me to wait a year. Told me to buy a
plant. Then a fish. Then a cat.” “Well, you know the plant died, the fish died,
and the cat ran away!” Then he stood up and walked out of the meeting. He
didn’t want to hear it.
Well, babe. I
could’ve reached out to you on facebook. Yet, I knew it would be better to come
and see you.
He saw the pictures of cats on her
page. Saw the profile pic that just had to be her.
I said often.
Particularly in that poem. I was self-fish. ‘Stray.’Don’t lean on me or you’ll
fall. But if you do fall. Fall into my arms and I’ll carry you.
He thought about scratching the
poem out; then thought to keep it. Then he zoomed on some pictures of cats on
her facebook; and convinced himself that the cats looked just like the ones
that lived with them so long ago.
Well, I guess
that’s about all I have to tell you for now.
Then he looked at the picture of what he thought was her, leaned over
and kissed it.
He wrote most of the letters on
the new mahagony desk. Before that, he wrote on a television dinner tray.
“Dude, look at
the way you live Like in a hovel,” his friend Carlton told him about a year
ago. At that time, he was living in a two-bedroom apartment. “…that’s more like
a compartment. You really think you gonna attract any kind of female?”
“What about you,
living in that tin can?” Tin can was what he called Carlton’s trailer home.
Carlton always seemed to have the right answer, “I don’t really care dude.
You’re the one always talking about being alone.” Carlton said. Then took a sip
of his beer. He had cleaned up a little bit. That meant that he just moved the
biggest things into a spare room so that no one could see the mess. Carlton
always knew about the coolest movies to watch. There was just one picture on
his wall. It was of James Dean with one of his quotes in all big letters “Dream
like you’ll live forever; live as though you’ll die today.” They were sitting
on the couch that should have been thrown away years ago. “Check this out,”
Carlton said as they watched “Pulp Fiction.” “It’s called a Mac Royal,” Carlton
loved to recite movie lines. All he had to reply was, “Dude, you ever feel
lonely?”
He studied her facebool picture
one last time for the day, to be accurate. Accurate of the types of jobs she
had had. From her pictures, it looked like she had worked in a hospital;
probably as a nurse; orat least as a doctor’s assistant. He also remembered and
saw she had pictures of her hiking. When he would bring her to their new home,
hiking would be their first date. He also saw and remembered that she liked
wild flowers. Therefore, he would bring her a bouquet of wild flowers.
He meticulously checked to make
sure he had everything. Enough food in an ice-chest. Making sure the food and
drinks didn’t crush the bouquet of wildflowers. The trip would take three
thousand miles, or at least three days. He went back inside his newly bought
house and hung up the “Welcome Home” sign. Then he walked outside and then
inside several times to make sure, Rehearsed it too. He’d have her in his arms
as they entered through the front door. She’d be so excited. He’d look at her
face. He’d be teary-eyed as he’d say, “Welcome To Our New Life.” Then she would
smile, and they’d kiss.
“I remember you’d always
liked to take me on long trips,”
he said as he
imagined her sitting on the passenger seat. He’d hold her hand tight,
remembering the times they had on the beach. He was driving on the beach
highway, aka Highway Ninety for as long as he could; as the first song on the
first CD played Everclear, “I am still living with your ghost,” came loudly
through his speakers. The beach would be on his right for many miles.
On one of those
trips, baby I remember that time we went to Florida. Didn’t have ny money, and
you used that credit card. You knew I was locked in my head. You always knew.
He paused, looking at the sun
setting.
Yea babe, this is
my turn to be your one. Remember that Mcdonald’s we went to for breakfast, and
I saw that tall black woman at the cashier. I called her Grace Jones. She had
claws. Fingernails at least three inches long. She had to be seven feet tall. I
was simply terrified going into new social situations. You’d take me to the big
clubs and I froze. I remember you’d take me outside to the beach’s shore,
“Listen to the waves hit the shore. Baby calm down.”
I saw many hotels
and motels as I drove the highways and all the scenery causing me to remember
things I ain’t thought of for a while. Like that time we were following your
mother. You let me drive, and I carelessly put the standard gear the wrong way
and I messed up the car. Well, I owe your mom for the money she paid to fix it.
Remember that time, you bought that night at the hotel. You seemed to buy
everything-Yea, I know I didn’t believe in working too much back then. I’m
singing that song that’s forever imbedded in my mind, “Come sail away with me.
Come sail away come sail away with me,” I sing with the cd. I’m almost halfway
through the collection I’ve made for this trip. I been drinking coffee and
chain smoking.
Then he paused his conversation at the drumbeat of the bridge-worried
about the things he would say. Then he started talking to himself, “The
pictures on her face book, don’t show her smoking. I better get this car
smelling good. I can buy one of those spray things-that’ll shoot out mist every
twenty minutes. That’ll solve it. I can wash my clothes in a laundry mat to get
rid of the smoke. Anything for you baby,” he pulled the mirror flap to look at
her photo. The photo he found months back-the item added to the events that he
had convinced himself of “God’s leading me back to you babe.”
The sun was going down and he had that feeling like so many times before.
That feeling of exhaustion, when no amount coffee, or long ago, it be alcohol
and drugs, or energy drink could keep him awake. “So you’re really going
through with this?” That was the first thing out of his sponsor’s mouth. And of
course, that angered him, “Look, just because you never had any luck getting
that woman back that you couldn’t get back because you messed up the
relationship; doesn’t mean that it won’t work for me!” He yelled back in the
cell phone; as he dumped his suitcase out on the floor. He looked at the same
polo shirt and blue jeans in the strewn clothes. That was what he wore years
ago on their first date. The shirt and pants were very wrinkled. He looked at
the iron and iron board by the door of the hotel room. He also noticed a coat
hanger. Then mumbled to himself, “I better get the wrinkles out of this,” while
his sponsor replied, “Who are you yelling at. I’ve been happily married for
over twenty years now. It’ll happen for you when you’re ready.”
“Have you been to
a meeting?
“I gotta go.”
He was sure to pack his portable
cd player so he could stay in the mood, “I saw the sign and it opened up my
eyes,” Ace of Bass sang to him. He also had the coin, a seal of Solomon. She
gave it to him on their first-year anniversary. He lit a cigarette. Told
himself that would be the last one.
Baby, remember
how I was so nervous. Remember when I asked to kiss you.
He left the hotel around six
thirty am. He prayed after waking up, “Lord, please make this happen for me.
I’ve learned from my mistakes of the past. I’ve said the Prayer of Saint
Francis many times. I’m so tired of watching others be so happy and thinking
that life just isn’t for Lord.” Then his logics came to him. For a few seconds
he knew this was not a good idea. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You’re not going to ruin
this for me. Everything I have done has prepared me to truly love. Thank you
God.”
He was sure to
pack as many apples and pastries as he could, when the doors opened for the
hotel’s continental breakfast. He was nervous checking out. Hopefully they
didn’t know about the breakfast he took. “Time time ticking in my head”-the
final cd was playing. The song from Anthrax’s album “Persistence of Time.”
“Nothing can stop
my love for you,” he said out loud as he remembered a girl he dated after numerous
break ups. Her name was Mary. He met Mary. Mary saw him when he went to that
bar-convincing himself that he had to break out of his destructive thinking.
Yea, I was drinking
that coffee. Smoking those cigarettes. Was doing it so excessively I’d joke,
“Drinking cigarettes and smoking coffee. It was a full bar. Yea, I definitely
had to look, yea I did look out of place. Had on that tight white tank top. The
band was playing slow songs for all the couples. They danced in front of that
stage. I walked passed the bar. I saw her give me those hungry eyes. What a
coincidence, the cd is now playing that song ‘Hungry Eyes,’ I gave her that
cool nod. She followed me outside of the bar. We talked. Then I ended up going
to another bar with her. I don’t drink anymore, and I wasn’t drunk then. But
all I could do was think of you. I realize another mistake. Yea, I was so
scared to go out in the public. I know it had to be such a burden on you. You
never could have a good time because you would have to worry about me.
It didn’t take him long to see
that sign to a city that he had been to years ago. He took the turn and noticed
how it seemed to have the looks of two Mississippi towns in one town It had the
forest with dirt roads. It had the buildings congested all together with clean
black asphalt streets. Had the road where one could see horses on one side and
a river on the other side.
He crossed the state line with an ashtray full of cigarette butts. He
kept pressing the repeat button for the same song, “Come Sail Away With Me”
because he figured it could put him in a confident mental state. Then he pulled
into a Trucker’s Road Stop. Took about ten minutes and four dollars in quarters
and fifteen minutes to vacuum and clean the inside and outside of his car. Kept
pushing the aerosol can of fragrance until it was out. Then he put a nicotine
pouch on the upper gum above his teeth inside his mouth. Hated the taste. Made
him a little nauseous.
He got back on the interstate
listening to a Classical Music radio station. It was five thirty pm. He had
forty minutes to go. From what he saw on facebook, he was pretty sure that she
arrived home at around six.
…missing text…
“There it is. I need to get
flowers. Wait. I got flowers in the ice chest,” he told himself. As he drove
into the driveway of her house that feeling came back to him that this was not
a good idea. Regardless, he double checked on facebook to make sure. The first
thing he saw were the sunflowers in the flower bed. Then he saw the statues of
the cats. Later he would wonder about the cats, he saw in the picture frames
behind her door entrance, resembled the Bandit and Omni, or was he just wanting
to see that. The house was painted in yellow. Yellow was her favorite color.
“Baby I got these for you,” that
was the first thing he said when she answered the door. She took the flowers.
Said with halfheartedly and frightenedly, “Thank you.”
“You haven’t aged
at all. You’re even more beautiful than the last time I saw you. I know it’s
been a while and we didn’t depart on the best of terms. Baby, I’ve come here to
be what I should have been a long time ago; your Knight in Shining Armor. To
give you a life that you deserve. Remember when I couldn’t seem to keep a job.
Well, now I work for one of the best financial advisory companies in the state.
We’ll have the perfect view of the sunset every day. And our bed is big enough
for your cats to snuggle with us.” He paused for a couple seconds. He was
panicked. He couldn’t remember what to say next. His eyes started to water. She
looked at him perplexed. He continued, “I’ll even cook for us every day. I’m
your knight in shining armor.”
After a long five more minutes of
listening to him, she calmly placed her finger over his lips, “Stop it honey.
You’re embarrassing yourself.” She said.
“But baby I’m
here for you. To give you the life you deserve. I’m your knight in shining
armor,” his voice began cracking. She folded her arms in front of her chest,
“Yes, you’ve told me that over and over again.”
By hearing the tone in her voice,
he immediately knew that something was wrong.
“Look, you seem
like a sweet man. But whoever you think I am. I assure you, I am not.”
“But I made CDs
of your favorite songs,” he began crying. His logics came and he knew the woman
he was talking to was not her. He had manufactured the whole fantasy in his
mind,
“Now, I don’t
want to be a total witch. If you don’t get off of my property.”
He turned around and took the walk
of shame to his car. Started his car. Took the coin out of his pocket. Thought
about throwing it out the window. Not yet. He’d get rid of the CDs too. He put
the coin into his cup holder. He took one last look at the house. Turned back
around too soon to see another woman looking out of the house’s side window.
His cell phone rang. He answered.
“How’s it going
Romeo?” His sponsor said. The call from his sponsor in itself reminded him that
his higher power is always there for him.
He pulled over at the state line
rest stop, wanting to hide. Wanting to hide. Wanting to take a break from life
for a while. All he could do was cry. “Well son, you ain’t drunk are you?” He
watched his tears fall onto the seal of Solomon coin. “Damnit Damnit Damnit.”
“That’s a lot of damns, son.” He laughed. Then he lit a cigarette. Took a long
pull. “I’ve dedicated my whole life to her.” “Bullshit. You ain’t seen her in
twenty years. You know what to do I’ve heard you say it in meetings. You know.
Like that Neil Young song. ‘I am but a dreamer, and you are just a dream. You
could have been anyone to me.’” Why didn’t you try to stop?” “I did. But you
just had to find out for yourself. What’s the song say?” “’I am but a dreamer,
and you are just a dream. You could have been anyone to me.’” “That’s right
son. “Now get your ass to a meeting.”
He kept crying and crying. Had
been driving for about four hours now. Was listening to the drive back home
CDs. “She was supposed to be with me now! God I just don’t understand. Why can
everybody else have love but me?” He cried as he thought about all the times he
had been rejected in his life. Then he remembered what he heard, “We relied too
much on others to make us happy.” He wanted his thoughts to stop. Few minutes
later his gas gauge light was blinking. He also remembered, “Be still. That’s
when the LohRd will speak to you.” He turned on exit 62. “Don’t take yourself
so seriously.” First thing he noticed was a car that looked just like the car
she used to drive twenty years ago. Also on the car’s bumper there was a
sticker that read ‘Friend of Bill W.’ “I’ll never love anyone ever again.
Jesus,” and he wondered in a pause of thinking if he intended on saying the
Lord’s name in vain or was he asking for help. He was paralyzed by his
overwhelming emotions, “Be still. Be still,” he muttered. He remembered saying,
“I’ll never love anyone ever again.”-he then wondered if he really knew what he
meant when he said that; with those nights. It was so long ago. Almost seemed
like, “No it was another lifetime ago.” When he lived in that garage apartment
surrounded by Alcoholics Anonymous literature left by the former tenant. Didn’t
want to face his own manufactured self-inflicted pain-the way he reacted.
Drinking to forget. His anthem was any song about heartbreak. His favorites
were on Bob Dylan’s album Blonde on Blonde. Especially, the songs “Sad
Eyed Lady of The Lowlands” and “Sooner Or Later One of Us Must Know”
personalized statements from Bob “I didn’t mean to treat you so bad. You just
happened to be there that’s all.”
He lit a Marlboro Red thinking
about it all from years ago. It was an overcast day, as he was sitting in her
car with her. It was a 1989 tan Toyota Corolla. She turned the cassette player
off and stubbed her Marlboro Red in the full ashtray. He’d later recall. “It
looked like a bunch of bones in a pile of ash. He pulled slow on his 32-ounce
Budweiser. “I got to go with my mom to Missouri.” He remembered so vividly he
could smell it all now: her perfume and the strong cigarette and weed smoke. He
turned his head. Waited on her to turn her head. When she did, “You ain’t gotta
move. I’ll take care of you.”
“Boy, you better be sure. It’s a
big world out there,” his father told him. His father a ash gray suit, neatly
trimmed beard. Had papers scattered on his desk. Papers that were contracts to
clients. Papers that were different stocks on the Wall Market. Papers of
insurance contracts. Papers that granted different accounts and deductibles
measuring different health factors. Examples were “People with bad dental
hygiene can be more susceptible to dementia.”
“Yea dad, I’m quitting college,”
he proclaimed to his father.
Now he thinks, “Beyond space and
time.” He looked at the coin, looked at the car and smiled realizing that he
could finally let her go. Then he looked at the gas gauge on E.
”Running on empty.”
Then he remembered being in that
bathroom in that two hundred dollars a month rental with one den, a kitchen,
and one bedroom. One of the many places that he insisted they move into. He
didn’t have a job. He remembered squeezing the sponge. He was so tenderly
cleaning her back, “You think we’ll stay together?”
Why did i…
He remembered the look she gave
him. So heartbroken.
A police car with lights on pulled
into the parking lot. He was frightened until a few seconds later. The officer
was scorning a homeless man. It was enough to interrupt his thoughts. He got
out of his car. He went into the gas station saying to himself, “I’m not going
to look for her.”
Inside he saw the big pictures of
beer advertisements: The Loving Couple doing couple things. “Cheers”
advertisement of the beach scenes, hot chicks hitting the volleyball. The model
type Ken and Barbie having good times at the beach. He noticed the big face of
a red bulldog. He used to enjoy Red Dog beer. Inside the beer caps there’d be a
saying like “Follow the dog.” He thought about “The Fool” tarot card: the
traveler about to step off of a cliff with the dog barking at him-yea she
taught him that too.
“How did I get here?” he asked
himself, standing in front of the beer cooler. He immediately walked to the
cashier “…and fate. It had to be,” Bob Dylan. “Oh but fate is another matter.
Drugs and revelation took all the people around you,” is what he thought Chris
Robinson was telling him with the song Sometimes Salva-tion, “Cuzz sometimes
salvation is in the eye of the storm,” by the Black Crows.
“Can I help you,” the cashier he
noticed was the same age he was when he was trying to get rid of the break up
feeling by drinking and drugging. Yea, Bob Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde
album was made for him. Blonde on Blonde for $9.99 in a small stand by
the cash register. The same cost as a descent buzz-another time he could die
emotionally and spiritually.
“Fourteen in gas, and this CD.”
Ten minutes later, the tears came
again, “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” He looks at the road ahead. Looks at the cd.
Looks at the road ahead. Looks at the cd. Looks at the sign, “Missouri The Show
Me State,” then he realizes he was driving the wrong way. He took an exit,
removed the cellophane from the CD. Drives, makes a U turn with Dylan’s “Sad
Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands.” More tears dropping on the coin. He picks the coin
up squeezes it tight. Feeling the coin press into the flesh of his palm. He
remembered another one of the two many, “Or not enough?” of the I’ll always
love you, but I never want to see you again. That one was a convenient
substitute for him to get over the previous I’ll always love you, but I never
want to see you again. He remembered how he’d be talking about how the last one
hurt him. The substitute would always tell him, “Well, I think it’s those past
relationships that get you prepared for true love.”
Then he pressed the button for the
driver’s window. Threw the seal of Solomon coin out of the window Then he
pressed the eject button of the car CD player, but the CD would not eject. Blonde
on Blonde kept playing. It was stuck,
“LOVE SONGS AIN’T NO FRIEND OF MINE.”
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