100 Love Letters I'll Never Send Pt 2 (Inside Your Shadow) (c) 2022-2023

 

I work in one of the biggest and the tallest buildings in town. It’s quite a sight to see looking out the windows on the top floor. Even more so on the flat roof top. You can see the entire city below. Imagine that. I look forward to bringing you here. We could have a picnic on the roof top. I’ve got a big house too.

              He dared not tell the truth, that he had just bought the house about four days prior. Moved in new furniture Setting everything in place. Like the state of the art refrigerator with two silver doors that were bigger than that closet in the apartment that they lived in Wiggins.He had an expensive China dishes in a glass cabinet in the kitchen. It was in a special place, just so that when she came to the kitchen that would be the first thing she would see. Maybe she would remember, and know that he was different, than that time they were in the thrift store. Her mother bought the second hand utensils, and dishes. He was so oblivious of everything. Didn’t even say thank you.

              He remembered that day they were walking through the mall, “Baby imagine that chair.” Inside the window entering into Gayfers was an expensive rocking chair. “My mother could rock back and forth when she comes to town,” she said as they walked into Gayfers. “Yea, that sounds cool,” he replied and then looked over at the sales person following them. Then he stopped walking and turned around, “Excuse me, how much is that rocking chair?” “Five hundred seventy-eight dollars and twenty three cents.

You’ll absolutely love the floors. Floors look like marble. The den has a large table. Table big enough to set for twenty of our relatives and friends. Even has a large picture of a peacock on the wall. I also have some paintings of Walter Anderson. You’ll love the one of the cat. Every time I look at it I remember how much those two cats we had loved you.

              They lived in the Palmetto Apartments. Two stories high with rooms placed in the bricks. It was structured in such a way that it may have been a hotel once. Even had a swimming pool gated inside an iron fence. He remembered a couple of weeks prior to them moving there, “My mom is moving to Michigan. I’m going with her,” she said nervously pulling on her Marlboro. “I don’t want you to leave. We can live together.”

You played that Ace of Base song “I saw the sign” for the countless time, as you drove us through the dirt roads of Saucier. Parked at a lake, where a new house was being built. I followed you to the shoreline.

              Her mom and his divorced parents gave them dressers, a couch and a huge bed. He kept that old furniture for many years. Even when knobs were missing to pull the drawers open. Even kept that old dresser that had warped wood that made it difficult to open.

Well, baby, I kept that old couch my mom gave us. It’s the same couch that she saw us embraced. Mom had the most frightened expression on her face. Or was it anger?

              He didn’t write in his letter about hearing her crying on the phone that she was losing her son. Then he gave it more thought. Then scratched out that line about his mother, “. Mom had the most frightened expression on her face. Or was it anger?”

You’ll love the view. Our upstairs bedroom, and our downstairs den has the perfect view of our outside lake. There’s a boat dock, and a small boat house. We will snuggle in the evening and watch the sunsets. We can even go in the den and watch the sun rise every morning. That reminds me of that one night when you were so tired, after working at The Waffle House. You were sitting on the couch.

              “Add a little macaroni, a little potatoes. Mix it around real good with tuna.” “Sounds like you making a goulash,” she replied. He stopped stirring the pot. Left the kitchen and sat with her on .

“Well, baby it’s the thought that counts,” he replied. Then held her hand. “What’s on television?” “Fresh Prince,” she replied. Then she put a large bud on the table, broke it up. Few seconds later, they were smoking a joint. “I smell something burning.” “Oh no!” he yelled. Then quickly went to the kitchen. “Damn it!.” Weed combined with burnt macaroni smoke thickened the air. She opened the door and a cat ran inside.

You named the cat “Bandit.” Then a few days later you found that bobtail kitten in the A and P grocery store parking lot. You let me name her “Omniscient.” You called her “Omni.” Remember we were at Three Rivers one day. We were swimming. You called our cats to come join us in the water. I was amazed when they both swam in the water to be with you. That was one of the most amazing things that I had ever seen. I think of that now as I add another song to the road trip music mix.

              “I don’t want to sound like a creep.” “Naw I can’t write that.” Thus he crumpled up that piece of paper and threw it away. Then he started again.

Baby, I know I left you in a horrible way. But now I’m here to make it all right.

              He just assumed that she lived at the same place she did twenty years ago. After all, that’s what a facebook profile, one of many, indicated to him. This particular one had her address on it.

              A few months ago: He heard it at work, “How long is he going to be full of gloom and doom?” “Man, that dude really needs to get laid.” He felt as if everywhere he went was a reminder of how lonely he was. “Your obsessive-compulsive thoughts are telling you what to see,” his Spiritual Advisor sat across from him. It was about an hour before the meeting. He had been through rough times with his last “I’ll love you forever” that inevitably became the “I’ll love you forever, don’t call me again.” He kept staring at the AA emblem carved so meticulously on the floor. His advisor’s chair always seemed to be higher than his chair. As if he were looking down on him.

“So what do you expect to happen? She’s going to come to the front door and all of the sudden, it’s happily ever after.”

 He started chain smoking. With each puff, he so desperately in vain to block out the truth. He’d reply back with that predictable, “…you don’t understand.”

For the passed two weeks he’d notice things. Things like the aroma of fresh cut flowers that lingered in the air of the grocery store. Or was he thinking about what the flowers would smell like? The aroma, “You know babe, I never bought you flowers.” He’s see the family of the hand man walking side by side with the pretty woman, smiling. Nothing in the entire world mattered but them.

“Don’t do this. You’re not ready for this. The way you speak, you’re making up fantasies in your head. You’re making her into your higher power.”

He kept wondering painstakingly, “What’s wrong with me? Why can others have someone to love. But I can’t?” At work, he noticed his peers with those pictures on their desk. Pictures with the wife, or the girlfriend. Pictures of great adventures. Pictures of family vacations with the dogs. He wanted a trophy like that to show off.

‘God send me this’ prayers came before that one particular day. The drive to work.

I was driving in thick traffic. A dark 1990 Toyota Corolla sped up behind me on 55. I looked in my rear view and it was you. The years have done well for you. Still had your long brown hair with natural streaks of red. Then you zig zagged and I looked again. What I thought was you was someone else. In that moment, I realized that God had sent me a sign. I mean what are the chances of seeing that? When I got back to work I was listening to the radio and that song came on. And I remembered. We were on the bed. The bed that was supported by your great grandmother’s bedframe. You were wearing that white nighty. You leaned your head forward. We were touching foreheads and looking into each others eyes, while Styx sang, “Come sail away. Come sail away with me.”

              He typed her name into the facebook search. There were twenty results. One of the results was a journalist, “Nope, Doesn’t look anything like you babe.” It took him hours, until he narrowed down his search to five. “Please don’t do this,” he remembered his sponsor’s warning.

              The crusty old miserable guy whose lived through everything doesn’t even give the chairman a chance to complete, “Does anyone have anything to…” “Yea, I was driving into that car crash. Everyone tried to tell me that I shouldn’t. I just had to find out for myself. I thought I was the exception to the rule…” He then looked around him. He was just one of them in a huge circle. After five more minutes of the Crusty Know It All, he lit a kamel. He looked at his advisor, nodded, “Patronizing. Condescending son of a #$%#,” he muttered to himself. “Yea, they told me to…” He already knew what the next one was gonna say, “They told me to wait a year. Told me to buy a plant. Then a fish. Then a cat.” “Well, you know the plant died, the fish died, and the cat ran away!” Then he stood up and walked out of the meeting. He didn’t want to hear it.

Well, babe. I could’ve reached out to you on facebook. Yet, I knew it would be better to come and see you.

              He saw the pictures of cats on her page. Saw the profile pic that just had to be her.

I said often. Particularly in that poem. I was self-fish. ‘Stray.’Don’t lean on me or you’ll fall. But if you do fall. Fall into my arms and I’ll carry you.

              He thought about scratching the poem out; then thought to keep it. Then he zoomed on some pictures of cats on her facebook; and convinced himself that the cats looked just like the ones that lived with them so long ago.

Well, I guess that’s about all I have to tell you for now.

Then he looked at the picture of what he thought was her, leaned over and kissed it.

              He wrote most of the letters on the new mahagony desk. Before that, he wrote on a television dinner tray.