100 Love Letters I'll Never Send (i sure did listen to, sigh, "...and still listen to," some terrible music when I'm in...) (c) 1997, 2017

1997: I kept everything while waiting on you to come back. All the crazy poems, letters, stories, and the music I created. NOW looking back two decades later I revisit it because I want to know how to be a better man...

My friends who still stayed around while I stayed in heartbreak, prolonged by alcohol and drug abuse, would try to encourage me. They brought me kids keyboards and taught me basic songs that I demanded to know.

...so I'd play songs like "Freebird" and "Every Rose Has its Thorn" over and over again. I'd cry as I sang with the verses, "If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me If I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn't be the same 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now And this bird you cannot change..." click here to hear FREEBIRD if you dare
".We both lie silently still In the dead of the night Although we both lie close together We feel miles apart inside
Was it something I said or something I did Did the words not come out right Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried But I guess that's why they say Every rose has its thorn Just like every night has its dawn Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song Every rose has its thorn... "        click here to hear EVERYROSE HAS ITS THORN IF YOU DARE...
Every verse was made for me. These songs were my anthems of heartbreak. 
With self defeating thoughts like "No one has gone through heart break like me. I deserve attention because she hurt me so." I had permission to mourn and not live life. For a lil while anyway...
I look at this (above) now and am amused and grateful. Countless people never come back from that ridiculousness. They never emotionally mature. 
'Emotionally mature,'-i say that now till I love again, or something like fall in love again;  then the old yucky stuff inside comes back. 
I still listen to those 80's 90's love ballads. A majority of them feed insecurities and remind me how codependent we as humans possibly are. "Surely, there is something I forgot-"-Heart. One verse goes "You've been hiding, never letting it show Always trying to keep it under control You got it down and you're well On the way to the top But there's something that you forgot," -damn I even workout to that song. click here to hear "WHAT ABOUT LOVE"-by Heart IF YOU DARE AGHHHH -well at least I can be a productive member in society today. 





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