100 Love Letters I'll Never Send ( I fear things I did while drunk and high the most) copyright 2017
1996:
It was the things I did when I was drunk and high. Some of us gave away our bodies, minds, and souls. I gave away my mind. Wasn't able to live. I was waiting on anything to reach me. Anything on the outside to save my inside.
Waited on you to save me. What a burden it must have been to have you sheltering me. I'm sorry. While waiting on you I passed the time drinking, smoking, and injesting anything I could. When I reached a place of deceiving peace I would write, paint, do music. I also traded spiritual tools-used occultist works. Craft and being high doesn't mix well. What I did then I can't totally recall. Did things to get the gods to work in favor of me.
The destructive things i taught myself to believe when for an hour or two a day when I was free from the blackouts. Thoughts that warped my mind. I see so lucidly now. When people were quiet I thought they were plotting against me. When I didn't hear from you. I knew you were with someone else.
Did I drive you not to love me anymore?
The most dangerous lie was me convincing others through self-pity to help me and not hold me accountable for my actions. No one expected much out of me.
The only work I could get was at 24 hour labor services. I could get around fifty bucks to keep me fixed. When I didn't work I had magical thinking.
You never came back.
I think I am getting ready now. For I have learned what love is not.
I look at where the stairs once led to the door. I remember the way I would stare at the ashtray. The white cigarette butts looked like bones to me.
I thought I was possessed. I liked the thought of being possessed. Yet through what ever had captured me there was something stronger. I feel that strength now.
It was the things I did when I was drunk and high. Some of us gave away our bodies, minds, and souls. I gave away my mind. Wasn't able to live. I was waiting on anything to reach me. Anything on the outside to save my inside.
Waited on you to save me. What a burden it must have been to have you sheltering me. I'm sorry. While waiting on you I passed the time drinking, smoking, and injesting anything I could. When I reached a place of deceiving peace I would write, paint, do music. I also traded spiritual tools-used occultist works. Craft and being high doesn't mix well. What I did then I can't totally recall. Did things to get the gods to work in favor of me.
The destructive things i taught myself to believe when for an hour or two a day when I was free from the blackouts. Thoughts that warped my mind. I see so lucidly now. When people were quiet I thought they were plotting against me. When I didn't hear from you. I knew you were with someone else.
Did I drive you not to love me anymore?
The most dangerous lie was me convincing others through self-pity to help me and not hold me accountable for my actions. No one expected much out of me.
The only work I could get was at 24 hour labor services. I could get around fifty bucks to keep me fixed. When I didn't work I had magical thinking.
You never came back.
I think I am getting ready now. For I have learned what love is not.
I look at where the stairs once led to the door. I remember the way I would stare at the ashtray. The white cigarette butts looked like bones to me.
I thought I was possessed. I liked the thought of being possessed. Yet through what ever had captured me there was something stronger. I feel that strength now.
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