Byrne Notes LVI (Following The Lightning) © 2015

Left Prescott Valley on May 31, 2014-the anniversary of David’s death. He died by getting struck by lightning. Followed the lightning striking. Praying for rain, I feel so much power from the rain. Could that be because ghost are around water? In the mountains it looks the land goes from the ground to the sky. Not usually accompanied by thunder. As I drove through New Mexico, the lightning started coming from the sky to the land. I took film footage. I thirsted for God’s Tears. To drink from such an omniscient source would surely give me the strength I needed to endure and take actions I needed to take to keep walking the path-to continue this adventure.______________________________________________________________________________

Did that joint on my 40^th birthday. Against all odds. The thing that should not be. Family and friends once thought I’d be dead or locked away-RIGHTFULLY SO. Never could have done this when I was age 18. Heard so many times that I was too old. Spent years dreaming, taking little action. I did send my literary works to different publishers. Would quit after receiving the rejection letters. Then when I’d get my nerve back I’d send out again. Not very much consistently.

Tonight, March 25, 2014, my 40^th birthday was my night. I like to think Charles was with me. 

For over a year now, I been meaning to write thank you letters to Tribal Café and Cuehuga Grocery. Also meant to send a thank you letter to Filthy Creations-a literary press in the UK. They published one of Charles’ stories. video of zine Charles Published his story with I like to think I inspired Charles to write.one of Charles' Stories I’m glad he got published. About three months before he died he called me up, “Hey man, how do I put videos on youtube?” I was flattered to help. Charles' video channel 

I am grateful he has something for us and his new fans to enjoy.

He was the best guitarist I have ever known. I could ask him, did very often, how to play any song and he’d show me Charles figuring out "When The Levee Breaks"

A few weeks ago, I discovered there was no more multidementional.net. A website Charles created that featured him, me, and our mutual friend Heath. He had remained dedicated to this site for over a decade. It had some sort of telephone number, “If you are interested in buying this domain. Call this number,” type of thing. I called the number, queried on an answering machine. Three days later, “Mr. Honey Bunn we would like to offer you a nine thousand dollar grant.”-scam to get my bank account number.

It is difficult for me to write of Charles now. I’m still so emotionally close to it. It was like that about my part in September 11, 2001. Took me over ten years to come to better terms of it, and write about it.

During the time of Charles death, there were two songs that I listened to a lot, “Forgiveness” by Don Henley Forgiveness and “I’m Out Of Tears” by The Rolling Stones.

Many times I’ll listen to “Out Of Tears” to see how I am about it Out of Tears

I am no better or worse than anyone, in reference to my Clean and Sober time. Many times I ponder that I am worse. The irrational thoughts that I have, that I think, when I think em,' that I believe are real. Takes me at least a couple days to let it run its course and I return back to normal. During these patterns I have come close to relapse. Dangerous part is that these moments can come on me without warning.

“They drunk and acting a fool. I’m sober, what’s my excuse?”

Next day, March 26, 2014, I went to Muscle Beach. Link

When I returned to work. I started going bad in my mind. “John you really have to stop acting so emotional. It’s not good for the girls.”

That morning I had carelessly sped up the mountain and drove my car into big rocks, “I’m trapped here. I’ll never make it back.”

 My supervisor was riding me hard because I had not entered grades into the computer.

Suicide came to my mind. And everything became a big deal. This reminded me that I am no better than anyone. Took me three days to realize it wasn’t all that bad. Was lucky I didn’nt bust my oil pan. Only cost me around $400.  to fix it. I was easily able to pay it off by working overtime on the weekends-we earn an extra $200. per day.

Unfortunately, I didn’t last long at Mengus. Stayed there about nine months. It was scary. I had convinced myself that no school district in Mississippi would hire me. Had to write on three pages of paper a day, “I will get a job in Mississippi.” Wasn’t gonna tell the girls I was leaving. Was forced to. Many of em’ cried. Many of em made me art projects and wrote me letters, “Maybe I did make a difference in their lives.”

Vance and Roger strongly suggested that I apply for VA disability, “Yea Holmes you should retire and tour the world rocking.” Still don’t know if Vance was being sarcastic about the touring the world part.

Left Prescott Valley on May 31, 2014-the anniversary of David’s death. He died by getting struck by lightning. Followed the lightning striking. Praying for rain, I feel so much power from the rain. Could that be because ghost are around water? In the mountains it looks the land goes from the ground to the sky. Not usually accompanied by thunder. As I drove through New Mexico, the lightning started coming from the sky to the land. I took film footage. I thirsted for God’s Tears. To drink from such an omniscient source would surely give me the strength I needed to endure and take actions I needed to take to keep walking the path-to continue this adventure.

Night came quick with the lightning and thunder ushering in the rain. Only thing I could see in Texas was a tall tower that looked like the one in Clarksdale. Went all the way to that tower. Got close enough to see bull horns and the word ‘Vega.’ There was a hotel there, “Thank God.” Vega Texas was under flash flood warning.

Crossed into Louisiana with two job interviews in Vicksburg. On the way there I got two phone calls from Gulfport School District.

Returned to the bottom of that haunted highway 49 (Gulfport). Started working out I went to Rhodes to workout. Been going there since high school. I push myself to the limits because that assures me that no one else could challenge me as much as I challenge myself-empowering.