Byrne Notes XLIX (Psycho Holidays, Closure, and famous Clarksdale Musicians).

Decided years ago, when I got out of Parkwood in 2008, in which I paid $1500. dollars for that Psycho Holiday, that I would take that money I’d save by not being locked away and go on vacations. This is one of my ways of buying myself more clean and sober time. Bottom line, I have to make my life better without drugs than it was when I was using drugs.

                                                            "One thought at a time."

 Didn’t think I’d ever go back to psych wards. Around October 2012, I saw a doctor at the Memphis VA. When I am going bad I obsess. Tell myself I have no reason to obsess- that never works. The kids at school were giving me a hard time. I was taking things that had happened in a few seconds and obsessing on about these events for hours and days of anger and fear, “Angst.” No matter how many times I went across the street from the school, into the ditch to smoke cigarettes, there was no reprieve. I did find an owl’s claw there. The doctor recommended for me to go upstairs. The kewl thing was that they gave me more of an option on how long I wanted to stay on this psycho holiday. Stayed about a week. The guy who was sharing a room with me the first night starts telling me of all the ways to free load: free rooms, free food. He reminded me of a crack head I was talking to on the bus on my way to M.E.P.S. in New Orleans to join the Army in 1999. That crack head gave me twenty dollars because he thought I was a destitute.

Crowd was a servant of God who went bad, junky street folk, and a couple ones that were shell shocked. Remembered one retorting in a PTSD class, “How can you relate to me? You ever been raped?”

When I returned back to teaching. I remembered a substitute teacher from Oxford, and I were talking, “…besides it’s better than working at McDonald’s or Labor Ready.” “I have a choice.” She didn’t show up the following day. I started thinking to myself that I was too scared to go anywhere else. Who would hire me? I was certifiably crazy. My principal and my supervisors would surely tell it. Where would I get my meds?

By 2013, I had almost 200 videos on youtube, and four books on Amazon Kindle. Most of what was on Kindle was my superhero saga Fearless (Instruction Guide On How To Be A Superhero). Sincerely, had wanted, want to save the youth from themselves, and that is greatly reflected in those books. The main character had two parts to his life I. In one he looked strange. The other was him as a powerful unstoppable hero.

Why did I lack faith in myself? Still needing theatrics to get me through.-as was told to me by that USM ROTC Colonel. There were, are, still things I can’t do. “Who is this weakling?” I think to myself. So many days I was so angry, so fearful. It’s a bad thing to have a teenager taking up space in your head. I consoled with Charles and some in my family. Started putting out applications along the Gulf Coast. I had almost a decade’s worth of experience. Surely, some school district back home would hire me.

My nephew was pursuing a History major. My other nephew was getting a full ride to Ole Miss. In my delusions of grandeur I sincerely believed they were coming to Clarksdale. One would teach. The other would help bring new business to Clarksdale. Even told my principal my nephews were on the way.

One night during Spring Break 2013, I was at my sister’s house. My oldest nephew and Charles were drinking beers. I was picking their brains. I had an idea of Native American ghosts haunting Clarksdale. This brought on the idea for my last e-book Going Educational. It was one of my ways of closure with Clarksdale.

I think that many look at ethnicity groups by their generalities and stereotypes rather than looking at them as human beings. So many times, those in selfless serving jobs have this tendency. Thus I brought in character to represent the black community-Black Amerikkka. He donned a black, grey, and white American flag skin tight suit. The main character out of Fearless (Instruction Guide On How To Be A Superhero)   Johnny Walker Knight was jaded. As too many in self-less serving jobs get. They tend to develop an everyone needs to be disciplined by my way because I know better than anyone else what is best for them. Thus, the rational Black Amerikkka, who was once mentored by the Mysterious Stranger (Johnny Walker Knight), battles the Stranger on top of an oriental grocery store. This was a scene in my book TellMeVision.

TellMeVision was the start of me seeking closure of leaving Clarksdale. It is a horror story that jabs fun at reality ghost hunter type of television shows. My room mate from Fort Lee called me one night challenging me to write a horror story. In every town there are myths of hauntings. Many times it’s one of those things where a true story, or somewhat true story is passed from person to person until it loses truth and becomes something else. One of the warped stories of Clarksdale is about a funeral home insert picture. At the site where this funeral home once was is a new house being built. The house is still under construction, for the past three years.

I really had high expectations for TellMeVision to be highly profitable because of it’s uniqueness and social consciousness. Still waiting…

TellMeVision was a title I first used in a song I wrote link to song live performance

Had my first interview at the highschool I graduated from. I just knew I had that job.

Woke up from grandma’s. Took the day off from Clarksdale High, put on my three piece suit I bought in Korea, put rings and bandaids over my tattooed fingers. Gulfport School District is one of the best districts in the state. Had to hide my self-inherited white trashy side. After all, my father told me, “You’ll never be able to get a real job with those things on your fingers. People will think you’ve been to prison.”

My sister criticized me as well when I called her one day venting my frustrations about not getting hired, “…you need to be worried about those tattoos on your fingers.”

Yet all that effort to hide my tattoos just brought more attention to my fingers. Probably had the principal thinking, “What else does this guy have to hide?"

The Gulfport High School principal toured me around the school. I showed him a career book that my transition to civilian life army counselor instructed me to do. It is a large three ring binder full of my army history: awards, promotions, and counseling statements. It also has my degrees, student sample work, and other pertinent job related documents.

He told me to keep in touch. Told me he wished he had more teachers like me, that came from challenging, critical needs areas. They would appreciate their jobs more. That was a confidence booster.

My father also advised me that less was more. With that advice echoing through my mind I further examined my career book. Found that there were negative than positive counseling statements. The negative ones could be very incriminating.

Many times staying driven to accomplish goals keeps me going. Thus I studied for hours interview tips on the internet, especially from youtube. I also would record myself answering common interview questions. Found the most difficult ones to also practice.

I talked to Clarksdale High School principal. Surprisingly, she was supportive of my decision to leave. She assured me that it was me that it was against the law to tell others about my bipolar. She even wrote me a letter of recommendation.

Through the rooms I made friends with a lovely young lady. It was truly a sign of spiritual/ emotional growth for me not to try to take her as an emotional hostage. I am grateful, I was able to share with her my closure. We went to clubs I used to frequent in Clarksdale. On a Saturday night we went to Hopson Plantation Commisary. Link We met up with Daddy Rich.  link Richard and I were talking about how I used to go to Ground Zero and do the open mic. He told me I should come to Ground Zero Blues Club for the Thursday night open jams. Told him I’d think about it.

Started practicing on a riff that took me about two years to learn, “When The Levee Breaks.”

The song is a very significant anthem for me. I remember jogging on the Gulfport High School track listening to the song in my walkman-I borrowed the cassette tape permanently from Charles. I was training to be prepared to go to basic training in January 1997. I also was in Hurricane Katrina. link The song’s lyrics refer to a time of the floods of North Mississippi in the 1920’s.- link

When Robert Plant came to visit Clarksdale, in 2006, he went to one of Mississippi’s last jute joints, Redds link

Daddy Rich played “When The Levee Breaks” in Redds. Plant walked out. I talked to Richard afterwards. He told me that the song wasn’t even Led Zeppline. It was written by Memphis Mini and Kansas Joe McCoy link,

Practiced for about two hours a day for four days. Added some of my own lyrics, “…if my ship don’t come in. You gonna’ hear my train coming…if I don’t make it in Gulfport I’ll end up somewhere on the West Coast.” Also added some Bob Dylan lines. Link

Thursday came too quick. My guitar had a short in the wiring. Took it to my friend Ronnie Drew at link He went out of his way to fix my guitar.

In 2009, he gave me the “HOLMES” name plate that he took off of an amp link and picture He also showed me how to play slide. His lesson led me to create my song, “Haunted Highways.” Link

After he was done fixing my Krammer he wanted to see what I was going to play, “That sounds terrible. I’ll show you how it’s done.”

“Mr Drew, I only have a couple hours till I go up on stage,” I replied somewhat defeated."

Regardless, Richard, Daddy Rich, called me on to the Ground Zero stage. First thirty seconds sounded great. The volunteer drummer, Harley, tried his best to follow me. Then I started the lyrics. Sounded bad and I knew it. Saw someone walked up to Rich; Rich was trying to follow me on Harp-to no avail, told him to have me stop. Twenty seconds later, I stopped. The audience cheered. Not sure why. Here’s the trimmed video. link

While I hid away from the Ground Zero scene for years, I did remain driven by doing public 5k races. Was also invited to jam for Tator get his own Blues Marker. Tator, “The Music Maker,” Tator performing went from club to club begging to get on that stage. Man, they used to give him such a hard time. So easy to criticize when they don’t even, never even picked up an axe, guitar. Some say he started off by playing a child’s guitar. Tator was around 50 or 60 years old when he died. They kept saying he was retarded. He kept playing every where in Clarksdale he could. Took him years to be appreciated. Less than a month before he died, he was on the main stage during the biggest Blues festival in the World link. Big timers like, Jimbo Mathus lJimboMathus and Tator performing Blues Fest 2010 backed him up. There were many who supported him then. Even had his own t-shirts and cd’s for sale. He was underground world wide. There is this dude, Robin Lane, link. He makes his own instruments link it. He backed me up at Ground Zero a couple times playing his bass-a mic’ed bucket with a nylon string he fingered. He wanted to raise money for a Blues Marker. He accomplished that goal. I brought a friend, from NA with me to jam link.

Round 2012,  I challenged myself again through the Beach Body Workouts: P90X and Insanity. Got the t-shirt. Wear it proudly, “Insanity. I earned it.” That phrase resonates in more ways than one in my life other than my physical prowess. Folks asks me, “Which program is better?” Well, it depends on what you want. P90X gives you more strength. Insanity is good for getting agility and that well defined six pack abs.

Chose to leave Clarksdale on David’s death date (May 31, 1999) 2013. He was my childhood friend who died from getting struck by lightning.

Through fear (false evidence appearing real) and the anger that follows; I had the illusion that I was protecting myself from getting hurt by being a recluse. Moved myself out with no help on that thought. Much to my surprise, a group of folks from NA invited me to hang with them a couple days before I left. They also had a going away party for me. I abligded both.

I was invited by Sean Apple link to come to their show  of course being somewhat Spiritually/Emotionally Immature I thought to myself, “Why didn’t these folks appreciate me more before.

That last day at Clarksdale High School was very emotional for me. Couldn’t hold back my tears as I hugged the principal good bye. Wanted to truly gain something spiritual and emotionally from Clarksdale. Journaling was a great tool for me.

Surely, I’d get hired with my almost a decades worth of teaching experience-so I thought. My friends and family thought so as well. I had started the process months ago, putting my applications out, emailing and calling at least five employers per day.